Would You Read It Wednesday – The 38th Pitch

In case you haven’t had your coffee yet, it’s Wednesday May 2, which means, in addition to being a Would You Read It day, it is Day 2 of NaPiBoWriWee.

Day 1 did not go well for me.

I have decided NaPiBoWriWee looks like this:

And apparently one of us got up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday!

Picture this:

Morning on Blueberry Hill.  A gentle rain is falling.  The lilac buds are trembling on the edge of blossoming.  The baby finches are a jumble of feathers crowded in the nest under the front entry way, getting close to trying their wings.  And I am poised to embark on my NaPiBoWriWee journey.

(Hey!  I hear you snickering!  What.  You think me and poised in the same sentence is oxymoronic?  Well, OK.  I’ll give you that 🙂  But anyway, to continue my riveting tale…)

I sit down before my faithful computer, steaming cup of coffee beside me, and place my fingers on the keyboard.

*imagine music swelling in the background*

*…swelling some more…*

*… and a little more…*

Nothing.

I take my fingers off the keyboard and sip my coffee.

OK.  I can do this.

*more music*

Once upon a time, I type.

Another sip of coffee.

Delete delete delete delete delete…..

Herbert was not like the other hedgehogs, I type.

Wait a minute.

That sounds a little too familiar 🙂

Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete…..

Herbert wanted a dog, I type.

Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete…

Herbert had a problem, I type.

Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete…

I reach for my coffee.  It’s cold.

As I get up to microwave it back to an acceptable temperature, I notice a dust puppy under the edge of the cabinet.  Hmmm… I think.  Maybe I should vacuum.

It is a bad sign when housecleaning starts to sound like a good way to spend time!

Perhaps some interpretive dance would waken the muse…

Oof!  Ouch!  I think I sprained my pancreas!

Thank goodness you didn’t see that.

OK.  Scratch the interpretive dance.

Anyway, I’ll spare you the agonizing details, but I ended up with 4 starts, three of them maybe with potential and 1 of them almost definitely hopeless, but no finishes.  Day 2 and I’m already playing catch-up.

Arrgghh!

But never fear.  It’s a new day! 🙂

On a much more inspiring note, however, Phyllis is in St. Lucia!!!  Hop on over and check it out!  She also had a brief visit to Rosalind’s in Leicester, England, in case you didn’t get to see that yet.  She also visited Margaret in California.  And if you want to see the cutest thing EVER you must check out Phyllis at Pam’s Preschool Prom!

And now, even better, let’s get down to Would You Read It!

Today’s pitch comes to us from the lovely Darshana.  Her special talents by day are solving engineering problems, creating activities for her kids, and concocting ways to spend time with her husband. By night she reads and writes picture books, so one day she can realize her dream of becoming a published author. Check out her book reviews at Flowering Minds, and keep up to date on the latest in the kidlit world by “Liking” her onFaceBook.

Here is her pitch:

Title: Jay’s Big Day
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
Pitch: Jay’s super-sniffer dashes his dreams of becoming a Police Bird, but his special talent opens up another heroic opportunity.


So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Darshana improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in early July – not that far away! – so go ahead and send your pitch for a chance for it to be read by editor Erin Molta!
Darshana is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!

And I am off to do better on my mss today.  Look out, NaPiBoWriWee!

106 thoughts on “Would You Read It Wednesday – The 38th Pitch

  1. Darshana says:

    Thanks Rena. Yes I do see now how super-sniffer led to people to think the character was a dog. Hmm, interesting idea for another story. 🙂 Yes you are correct Jay doesn't become a Police Bird. Maybe I will change heroic opportunity to heroic job.

  2. patientdreamer says:

    Hi Darshana, I liked your pitch as re Cathy quoted. Yes I would read your story. Having said that, it is true the first 4 words or so just need a little more clarifying, even though I did get it straight away.
    Laughed at your dilemma Susanna. So good to hear professional childrens book writers also have the same problems. It certainly makes one feel we are in this together when reading a blog such as yours. Good on you for catching up… all the best for the rest of the week.

  3. romily says:

    Hi Darshana! Nice pitch. It already gives me a hint of your writing style with its alliteration- super sniffer and dashes his dreams. And police bird? That's very intriguing! Your pitch also gives us the topic: heroism, perhaps. Furthermore, I want to know what Jay's super talent is. You managed to captivate my curiosity. Well done.

  4. Tim McCanna says:

    Hi Darshana! Sounds–or should I say “smells” like a fun story. Is there an opportunity to make it a scratch-n-sniff? I'm already curious to know whether Jay is a bird who wants to be a policeman in an animal world, or if he's like a police helper in a human world. I'll just ditto the other comments, and add that I wonder if your title could be a little more specific and unique. There are lots of PB characters out there having “big days” (i.e. Little Chicken's Big Day, Lilly's Big Day, etc.) and so consider playing up the hook of your tale, which seems to be Jay's sniffer. Cheers.

  5. Penny Klostermann says:

    So after reading the comments…I would say that you may have to change from Grumpy to Happy….2 ms done!
    Hi Ho! Hi Ho!
    And to day 3 you go!

    (Sorry about pancreas-which by the way is a brand new excuse I thought about adding to my list-but who'd believe that??? LOL)

    Darshana's pitch–I would read, but feel like your pitch will benefit from some of the suggestions others have given. It was short, which is good, but a little more information would be helpful to draw me in good and tight. Pitches are really tough for me!!! Good luck with it.

  6. Margaret Greanias says:

    Susanna, hilarious re-count of NaPiBoWriWee Day 1. Hope your second day is more productive!

    Darshana, I thought you did a great job distilling the plot of your story (Darshana and I are in a critique group together, so I've read the story). I liked how short the pitch is — very concise. Overall, most of the info you need is in your pitch. By shifting around some of your phrasing, you could put more emphasis on certain pieces of info — like the fact that being a Police Bird is Jay's dream. I could see a little more fleshing out around why his super sniffer prevents him from being a Police Bird. Also, it wasn't totally clear that the super-sniffer was his special talent. Great job!

  7. Vivian Kirkfield says:

    Good luck with NaPiBoWriWee, Susanna! And Phyllis, you go girl…you have been places I have only dreamed of going to. 🙂
    Darshana…I would DEFINITELY want to read the book…but I'm confused…why does having a super-sniffer preclude him from becoming a Police Bird? I would think they would want him even more. So maybe we need a little more explanation or clarification. Or maybe I'm just not reading it right. 🙂

  8. Carrie Finison says:

    I'm a maybe. I'm interested in the idea of a Police Bird, but I'm confused as to why his super-sniffer would keep him from this job, when it seems like it would be a plus for the job. Also, the title is too generic. It could be about anything: first day of school, a special trip with a grandparent, a performance in the school play. I don't know enough about the story to make a good suggestion, but I think something more specific would create some allure.

  9. Robyn Campbell says:

    Hey! Your first day sounds like my first day! *sigh* Dust puppies won me over. (I think I was looking for anything to take me away from the computer.) Today was different! Yippee!

    I would probably read this, but the pitch needs something more. I mean, I thought a super sniffer would be the most fantastical thing for a police bird to have. And is the super sniffer his special talent?? I need more info. Good luck with it, Darshana. *waving and smiling*

  10. Kerry Aradhya says:

    Hi, Darshana! Your pitch has definitely peaked my interest, so I would probably read it (so I guess that is a “yes.”) But I'm a little confused about how Jay's super sniffer disqualified him from being a police bird. I am very interested, however, as to what alternative “career” he finds!

    Susanna, good luck with your next day of writing. Sorry that the interpretive dance didn't work. I was hoping it would 🙂

  11. Tracybermeo says:

    Susanna, your first day sounds like my month of April with the 12×12- story started, not finished. Hoping I can make that up in May. 🙂
    As for the pitch- I'm going to say yes, but…. Sounds like Jay is a bird with a strong sense of smell. I love the term super sniffer, but the pitch lacks what happened to Jay to make his super sniffer not work and I think I'd like to know more about what the new career is without giving too much away in the pitch. Is it special because he's a bird? A job usually reserved for other animals? Does he learn he is capable of more than he thought? So I like the idea, but just need a little more meat in the pitch.

  12. Christie Wild says:

    No, because I don't have enough about what it's about. Although I like Jay as a character name, especially when paired with Police Bird in the same sentence. I do wonder how a bird can have a super-sniffer. Is that his special talent? Okay, I change my vote to a MAYBE. A bit more info and I just might read it!

  13. Lori Grusin Degman says:

    Susanna, I'd swear you were spying on me – I've had so many writing days like that!

    Darshana, you've definitely piqued my curiosity – I want to know how Jay becomes a hero but I think it needs to be clearer. To me, a super-sniffer sounds like he is a great smeller, which would be helpful to the police. If it's super, as in big, that needs to be clearer.

  14. Darshana says:

    Thanks Lori. His super-sniffer is a distraction in the first half of the book, but becomes an asset in the second half of the book and opens up the door to a new career choice. Looks like I will definitely be re-working the pitch to get some additional key details across.

  15. Tinamariecho says:

    Maybe. Your title is what first captured me, Darshana. It makes me wonder what kind of big day this kid will have. I think you could add a little more info to the pitch. Super sniffer sounds like a dog to me, but then you talk about a Police Bird. ?? I'm confused. I like the ending of your pitch, which piques my curiosity.

    Susanna, you made me laugh! I, too, have those days. BTW, I've never heard of dust puppies, only dust bunnies! cute!
    ~Tina

  16. Susanna Leonard Hill says:

    The only good thing is I think I have some solid potential in 2 or 3 of the stories I couldn't get through… they just need more percolating time 🙂 Maybe that will be true of yours too. But I got past it and wrote 2 mss on Day 2 by writing about something totally different. Sometimes things just need some time on the back burner!

  17. Natalie says:

    Susanna! You are so funny! Your writing routine sounds about like mine. 🙂

    Darshana–Yes I would read it! I am dying to know what his special talent is, so you have definitely captured my interest! 🙂

  18. Susanna Leonard Hill says:

    So your house is clean AND you have a ms! Well done. My house still has dust puppies, but I did at least hammer out 2 mss yesterday to catch up. We'll see how today goes, though! Thanks for your comments for Darshana!

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