Would You Read It Wednesday #215 – Bossy Bird (PB)

Happy Wednesday, Everyone!  And Happy June!

I have to confess, it’s turning out to be one of those weeks… so no dilly-dallying today!  Let’s get right to the good stuff, shall we?

First (of course first!) Something Chocolate!

I don’t know about you, but here in my neck of the woods, even though it is not yet June 21, it is technically summer since Memorial Day has come and gone.  Summer means S’mores… and one of our kids was out making them last night, so obviously I have S’mores on the brain 🙂  Therefore, you can guess what’s coming… 🙂

S’mores Fudge Bars!!!

Smores-Fudge-Bars

S’mores Fudge Bars: Recipe HERE at Handle The Heat

I ask you, does it get any better? YUM! 🙂

Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Susan whom you may remember from last month with her pitch for Room For Olives.  Susan Schade is a writer from Gilbert, AZ where she lives with her husband, three young sons and their corgy/jack Russell rescue dog, Jedi.  Originally from Madison, WI, she cheers on the Packers and the Badgers, loves movie nights with her family, and enjoys reading as much as writing.

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Bossy Bird

Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 3-8 )

The Pitch: Bossy Bird is the largest, loudest and bossiest bird of the bunch.  When the fed up flock sends him away, they lose their lookout and leave themselves open to the hungry neighborhood cat.  With danger crouching around the corner, Bossy Bird will discover that being the boss is not as important as being a friend and the others will learn that getting along is part of being a team.

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Susan improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

 

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read It in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above.  There are openings in June (YES JUNE – you heard that correctly!!!), so you could get your pitch up for some helpful feedback practically next week, and have a chance to have it read by editor Erin Molta!

Susan is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to Saturday when I will get to go to a writing conference where, in addition to all the amazing and wonderful things about writing conferences, Gail Carson Levine ( you know, Ella Enchanted?!!) will be speaking!  How awesome is that?

Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 🙂

18 thoughts on “Would You Read It Wednesday #215 – Bossy Bird (PB)

  1. Maria Marshall (@MariaMarshall_) says:

    Susanna, Excellent chocolate take on s’mores, w/out the fire, looks yummy.

    Susan, I love birds, so i am interested and would probably read this book. I get a solid sense of BB’s personality. But I am not entirely clear about his primary desire/want. Is it to be the boss? or to have friends and belong?
    I think you could condense the middle sentences into: “When the fed up flock sends him away, they lose their lookout and leave themselves open to danger crouching around the corner,”

    Is there a way to show us through example(s) how he & the flock make their discoveries? Right now, it feels like you are just telling me the “moral” of the story. But I have no idea what obstacles he and/or the flock overcome, or do, to avoid the cat which causes them to learn their “lessons.” Just a hint, something to show their efforts toward change.
    I would also cut the “will” before discover & learn ~ he discovers and they learn.
    Sounds like an interesting story with a strong universal theme. Good luck with it. :-).

  2. chattytcp says:

    Susanna,

    Happy June…Yay! Have a wonderful time on Saturday ~ exciting 🙂

    Susan,

    A very nice pitch indeed! As said above, you have a strong universal theme and a very interesting story, so YES I would read it. Best of luck and thanks for putting it out there 🙂

  3. Melissa Rutigliano says:

    Hi Susanna 🙂 Happy June!
    Susan,
    I think this is a wonderfully crafted pitch. Your carefully chosen wording is playful and fitting, and hints nicely I’m sure at the main text. My only call out, however, is that your pitch end gives away everything in your book! Leave some room for the reader to discover while still showing your plot and theme. You’re just giving a little too much away here.

  4. viviankirkfield says:

    Oh yes…that chocolatey dessert looks amazing! Thanks, Susanna!
    It’s definitely summery here in NH…I’m loving the sunny days.
    I would definitely read Susan’s story…I love her language and the pacing of her pitch…but maybe it could be even better with a bit of delete and a bit of addition:

    : Bossy Bird is the largest, loudest and bossiest bird of the bunch. When the fed up flock send him away, they lose their lookout. With danger crouching around the corner, Bossy Bird (two or three things he does to help his flock) and discovers that being the boss is not as important as being a friend.

    Hope this is helpful, Susan…it sounds like a really fun story!

  5. Lynne Marie says:

    I would definitely read this, Susan! My concern is that there is a shift that focuses on the flock learning a lesson, and then bossy bird. It might help to write the pitch with the focus on bossy bird and what he wants and how he tries to get it, without giving too much away. Hope that helps! Good luck with this project!

  6. Jess Townes says:

    I would absolutely read this! I’ve got a bossy bird at home 😉. This pitch starts out beautifully, with language that I assume mimics voice of story. The only suggestion I would make is to rework the learning part, I like Vivian’s suggestion for that sentence. Focus it on bossy bird (since we see the flock’s issue in prior sentence) and this will shine! Best of luck to you!

  7. ptnozell says:

    I love bird stories! Illustrators always do such amazing work with them. I would read this, Susan, but agree with the others about not switching focus nor giving away the ending.

    Susanna, does this mean no campfire?

  8. Keila Dawson says:

    Nom, nom, nom…s’mores says summer.

    Cute story idea. Agree with others to keep the focus on the hilarious character you created. Feels like you’ve added a second theme, maybe that’s the sequel!

  9. ingridboydston says:

    Now that my mouth has stopped watering…I can tell you, yes! I would read this! It brings to mind a very specific student. She means well and is in fact helpful. But she needs to learn how to reign in her “enthusiasm” for helping which might help others kids enjoy her more. I hope this gets published! 🙂

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