Gobble Gobble!
(That’s turkey for good morning and holy wow don’t we all have a lot to do today!)
I realize it’s the day before Thanksgiving and we’re probably all up to our ears in cleaning the house and fetching loved ones from the airport and baking and arranging flowers and whatnot!
So I will not take up an iota of extra time from you today!
Quick! Something Chocolate! And Thanksgiving-y! (And seriously, is there ANYTHING you can’t make out of an Oreo?! Plus, is there any flavor that Oreo doesn’t make…? They’ve gotten a little out of control! But I digress…! 🙂 )
Oreo Cookie Turkeys
Recipe HERE at GeniusKitchen
Chocolate Fudge Turkeys
Recipe HERE at InsideBruCrewLife
I thought you might enjoy some chocolate in the shape of turkeys… plus they’re fun recipes you can do with the kids 🙂
Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Leonie, whom you will remember from her recent pitches for I’m Hungry Mummy and The Magician’s Apprentice in September and October. Leonie says, “Writing is my fun, I love putting pen to paper and watching a story unfold. I just know you’ll love my stories too! I live in Melbourne, Australia and work for a big company during the day and write early in the morning or late into the night. My husband, 3 daughters and I live in a Bayside community with our pooch, Jade – a German Short-haired Pointer. My love of reading started when I was a young girl and continued into my first job as a librarian. I now spend as much time as I can, reading and writing fiction.”
Find her on the web at
Face Book: Leonie Hearn Author
Twitter: @leonie_hearn
Here is her pitch:
Working Title: Sara Stole My Hiccups
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch: Tommy has a problem and Sara is here to help! Follow these two friends on their journey to solve Tommy’s problem – with a twist.
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Leonie improve her pitch. Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above. There are openings in January, so you have time to polish your pitch before putting it up for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!
Leonie is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch! I am looking forward to seeing 3/5 of my kids tomorrow, and 4/5 on Friday! (The last one will have to wait as he is in another country… but maybe we can Skype him in 🙂 )
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! And Happy Thanksgiving!!! 🙂
Susanna Leonard Hill 
Susanna, did you try one of the Mystery Oreos!?! They were all the rage in my house for about 45 minutes… we think we have a good guess on the flavor too.
Leonie, I like your title. That alone would cause me pick the book up and give it second look. I need more information in your pitch though. As it reads now, I don’t really have a sense of the story. Some of the best advice I received when I was working on my own pitch was that I need to ‘Show’ more of the story, and that’s what my suggestion would be to you. Best of luck! I hope you have another great experience today.
Oh my turkeys, those fudgy bars look delicious!
Hi Leonie, I would read your story based on the title because it sounds like it will be funny with miscommunication between the siblings but your pitch reads more like a series overview than about this specific title. So my suggestion would be to focus more on the details of this one book, rather than all of them. Good luck!
I must have run to the store twenty times in the last few days. I keep thinking of “one” more thing that I need. Hopefully I’m done.
I’m a bit mixed here on the pitch. I can tell there is a interesting, fun story here, but I don’t think you are doing it justice with this pitch. The pitch is fairly generic and could describe many of the titles on my shelf. What is Tommy’s specific problem? How does Sara help? What kind of journey? I know some of this may be answered in the title, but as It reads, I am not getting the flavor of the book. Also the title feels a little old fashioned to me. I think names in titles sometimes do that. I love that there is a twist. The word “twist” in a pitch always gets me excited. Good job, Leonie, and good luck!
Happy Thanksgiving to you, Susanna, and to everyone else too!
For me, this pitch is a no. Without the title, I would have no clue what the story was about, and even with it, I am still not positive.
I want to know more. What is the problem? How can you steal hiccups? What is the journey?
The last two questions are good to have, but you need to hook them with the first. What is the problem is to generic.
I know this is not pitch perfect, but without reading the story already and going off of what I have, I would write something like:
Tommy never knew someone could steal your hiccups, but Sara just did. He tiptoes into the room searching for the hiccup thief. HICCUP. Plants can’t hiccup! Follow Tommy as he chases Sara in “Sara Stole My Hiccups!”
Just an idea. I think this could be a fun story and good luck!
LOVE the title, but I agree that if I were just reading the pitch, I wouldn’t know anything about the book. But I bet the story is adorable! Good luck!
Have a wonderful time with your loved ones, Susanna!
No, I wouldn’t read it. At this point the title reveals more than the pitch. All narrative fiction has a problem to solve, and all readers hope there is a twist. Let us know what is at stake here – is Tommy happy that Sara ‘stepped’ in, or is this a case of theft? Will this be a funny book, or thoughtful and quiet? Start with the title itself and give more clues to the theme/message. Good luck!
Leonie, the title is cute but I need more information about the story. Perhaps you could share one or two of the ways Sara tries to help Tommy. I am assuming the ‘twist’ at the end is that Sara has the hiccups at the end of the story. I’m not sure that’s a twist since it is given away in the title.
I would definitely read this. It sounds like fun. Hiccups are fun on their worst day! What’s not to like? That said, your pitch need to tell what the problem is – I’m assuming Tommy has a raging case of hiccups. And how Sara helps him, or tries to. So much fun! Good luck with this one!
Love the title! I’m wondering if you could tighten the pitch a bit to tell a little more about the book. Good luck with this one, sounds adorable.
Leonie, the title makes me curious. But I have no idea from the pitch what the story is about. It feels like there is little connection between the title and the pitch.
As you revise your pitch try to “fill in this formula” – then smooth it out
Tommy wants/ needs/ ________, but _____________ (what stands in the way/prevents him from getting this goal?). So, he _____. ______. & _______. Until ________________. Don’t give away the ending, but give us enough to feel connected & intrigued. “With a twist” isn’t enough, it tells me nothing.
What is the heart or core of your story? Something about friendship?
It can be helpful to look at a ton of jacket cover blurbs for picture books. Good luck with your pitch and your story. 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving.
Susanna, I love the turkey fudge! Happy Thanksgiving!
What a great title! But, just from your pitch, I don’t really know what kind of story this is – funny, scary, factual, historical??????
Maybe share some more details in the pitch to lure us in.
Ahhhhhh!!!!!The candy corn is following me!!!! Wait, it’s not Halloween, anymore. OK, they’re turkeys. Ok, I’ll try to calm down. Chocolate is involved. That’s better. LOL, Susanna, I think I’ve had too much TG prep today. I’m losing my mind.
Anyway, I see that our pitcher, Leonie, has already received excellent advice, so I won’t pile on. Good luck, Leonie, with your revisions! I love the idea of stealing hiccups. It just needs to be in the pitch, rather than the title. Cheers!
Hi, Leonie, I’m with the others who said they love the title. It’s funny, sets up all kinds of ideas and images, but then I went to your pitch and thought … huh? There’s a disconnect. It says nothing to invite me into the story. The title does, though.
The suggestions of the others who weighed in on this are wonderful, so all I’ll add is I want to be invited into the story with something that tells me more, makes me think and ask questions – enough that I can’t leave that book on the shelf.
Great start, Leonie! 🙂
Happy day after Thanksgiving Susanna! I hope you are still hanging out with your kids. Sometimes the best times are the unscheduled ones. Thanks for working through the holidays, but do take some time off. We’ll all be here when you get back! 😄
Congratulations on a great title Leonie! I’ve never heard this concept before either, so that’s another plus in your favor. I agree the pitch itself needs to be more specific. There are many great suggestions here. I hope we get to see your revised pitch when it’s ready. Best wishes!