Howdy, Peeps š
For those of you who may not have seen, I truly do live in Wild Animal Kingdom š Allow me to introduce you to my recent visitors (and feel free to use them for an inspirational writing prompt if you’re so inclined! š)
Fancy Ā (I think this is a female but it’s very hard to tell – it might be Fantastic Mr. Fox )
Cuddles šš» (so snuggly with all that fur and just look at his bare bear foot!)
It’s difficult to tell since the angles are different, but both of these photos were taken in almost exactly the same place, though almost a week apart.Ā The fox photo was taken only very slightly to the left of where the bear photo was taken.Ā So obviously it is like, the place to hang out on Blueberry Hill.Ā You know, where all the cool kids like to be! š
The cool kids here (that would be you guys) are probably about ready for Something Chocolate, am I right?Ā (I know I’m ready!)Ā So how about something delicious and fun you can make with your cool kids at home?
S’mores Cookie Cups
Recipe HERE at Kitchen Fun With My Three Sons
Yumptious!Ā Just make sure you don’t leave any of those around where bears can find them because I’m sure they would be irresistibly tempting!!! š
Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Deborah.Ā Ā Deborah Foster grew up in the heyday of Disney Princess movies. She was born and has lived all her life in rural Iowa. Deborahās love of storytelling began when she was very young and in sixth grade one of her Christmas stories won the Holiday Writing Contest. Her writing continued through high school in the form of angsty poetry. But with the birth of her first daughter, her love of writing took hold in the form of picture books. Deborahās picture books focus on humor and biographies of lesser-known women.
Find her on Twitter atĀ @DeborahClaytonFĀ
Here is her pitch:
Working Title: Jack’s Crazy Confection
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch: Jack wants to sell his sweet confections, but the dastardly Ice Cream Man has stolen all his customers. Using his great-great-grandmotherās magic ingredient, Jack must cook up something to out-sweet those frozen treats. But a little too much magic ingredient leads to outrageous results.
So what do you think? Ā Would You Read It? Ā YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. Ā If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Deborah improve her pitch. Ā Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. Ā (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. Ā I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! Ā For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above. Ā There are openings in May – as early as next week! – so you could get your pitch up very soon for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!
Deborah is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch! Ā I am looking forward to seeing what else might wander through my yard!Ā I would LOVE to see the fox kits (I’m sure they’re out there somewhere not too far away…) but given the ferocity of my perimeter patrol guard
doubtless no one will dare invade!!!
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! š
Susanna Leonard Hill 
Fun premise with great tone and pace in the pitch. The problem is succinctly stated and I’d like to read on to learn more. Since I adore ice cream, I’m not sure about an evil ice cream man. Will general readership buy it? Is there humor to this baddie? I’d also love a hint at the type of magic the ingredient does as well as a detail or two about what’s outrageous (something dangerous? something hilarious?) in the solution.
Susanna, it looks like social distancing is an issue at Blueberry Hill – seems like the critters haven’t gotten the message to stay away!
Deborah, I would read this story based on your pitch, and I actually did! I agree with Katie about sharing an example or two to give a hint of the outrageousness. I don’t agree, though, about dastardly. To me, it brought back memories of cartoons from my youth, and it fit the tone of your pitch well. So happy to read that Jack’s story now has a pitch!
I am a yes. This sounds like fun and your pitch is well written. I would like to learn what problems Jack encounters while re-creating his great-great-grandmotherās recipe. Can you give us a couple of hints? Perhaps take out your last sentence? Leave something up to the imagination. Good luck!
Yes! I love the voice in this pitch and I love how the conflict is laid out and the main character is active. My only question is what types of treats Jack is making. Is he making candy? Baking? Making his own frozen treats? Did he have a successful bake sale stand that is now losing money? Also, why does Jack want to make sweet treats? Is he saving money for something? What are the stakes/consequences if he fails to win back his customers? Overall, I think this pitch is great and it sounds like a fun story!
Yes, it sounds intriguing and fun. I agree with the others that I’d like more details and a reason why he wants to sell his sweets. This line “Using his great-great-grandmotherās magic ingredient, Jack must cook up something to out-sweet those frozen treats.” It reads to me like he must use this magic ingredient. What if you switched the parts around. Like: To out-sweet those frozen treats, Jack uses his great-great-grandmotherās magic ingredient and cooks up more than sweets. Or something like that.
Good luck!
Iām a yes, but I think the pitch could be improved in a few ways. The opening is strong and you set up the problem well, but I wondered if the ice cream man stole Jackās customers, or is Jack just starting out and he wants the customers of the ice cream man?
I love this: āUsing his great-great-grandmotherās magic ingredient, Jack must cook up something to out-sweet those frozen treats.ā
The last line felt grammatically incorrect, maybe add āof theā so it reads:
But a little too much āof theā magic ingredient leads to outrageous results. OR just say, āBut a little too much magic leads to outrageous results.ā
Thank you all for the wonderful suggestions!
I had to come back today because I followed that s’mores recipe all the way to my belly!
This story sounds fun- I’d enhance the pitch to be full magic/fairy tale if that is what the book is about.
I am a maybe on this one. It sounds like a fun premise, but I am just not sold yet.
Amp up the problem. Why does he need to sell his sweet treats? Why is he in competition with the ice cream man? Build up the urgency.
However….that isn’t the real problem in the story. The problem seems to be with the secret magic ingredient going awry! Makes me think of Stroga Nona. The issue with the ice cream man is simply the inciting incident.
I think that is what pulls me out. The plot is not clear in the pitch which makes me question if it is clear in the story. My opinion, drop the first sentence and find a way to blend the inciting incident into the last two sentences which is what your story is about.
Good luck with the story!