Hi everyone, and welcome to Would You Read It Wednesday where each week we help someone out with their pitch, polish our own pitch skills, and indulge in Something Deliciously Chocolate 😊 (Does it get any better than that? 😊)
Before we jump into today’s pitch, I want to mention that, due to my daughter’s wedding, I didn’t quite manage to post the Halloweensie Contest Guidelines for this year on Columbus Day as I usually do – my apologies! But it is entirely possibly (hint hint) that there will be a special post tomorrow and I hope you’ll all check in and get inspired to get down to some spooktacular writing!
To fuel you for such creative endeavors (and to help out with today’s pitch) how about Something Chocolate? Theses French Silk Pie Brownies look mighty scrumptious!
French Silk Pie Brownies
Please feel free to help yourself to as much creative fuel as you need – there’s plenty to go around!😊
Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Sandy who says, “I’m Sandra McGraw, a retired teacher, grandma, and the writer of Jesus Jingles. Check me out at http://www.jesusjingles.com.  “
Here is her pitch:
Working Title: Little Blue
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 3-6)
The Pitch: Little Blue is glum. He’s low, low, low which is distressing when you’re a balloon! Little Blue’s buddies display real friendship as they rally around to bolster him when he’s down. Perhaps a bit of flatulence will help Blue float again.
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Sandy improve her pitch. Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above. There are openings in January, so you have time to polish your pitch before putting it up for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!
Sandy is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to posting the 10th Annual Halloweensie Contest guidelines tomorrow so you can all get your thinking caps on and start writing! It isn’t October without Halloweensie! 😊
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 😊
Susanna Leonard Hill 
Yes I would read it. It sounds hilarious.!
Thanks so much!
S.
Great to be back! Susanna, the recipe looks amazing:)
What a great idea for a picture book! The pitch tells us what the story is about. Good job!
The only thing missing is the flavor of the story’s style.
Try blending that into the pitch and you’ll catch an agent’s or editor’s eye.
Cheers
Ah, yes, flavor. Will do. Thank you!
Susanna, it was great seeing the gorgeous photos of you & your daughter posted on Facebook. I hope the wedding was as wonderful as it looked! And thank you for the hint to check our inboxes tomorrow;)
Sandy, I love the idea of a deflated balloon as the main character of a picture book. I was confused by the last sentence, though, with the inclusion of flatulence – generally one inflates balloons with gas, not releases it. Also, the first part of the pitch seems so serious, while the last line makes me think this is a humorous picture book. Finally, I think you’d strengthen the pitch if you give a few examples of how the buddies (a terrific word, by the way) try to help, rather than merely stating that they rally around and display “real friendship.”
Sandy, I hope my comments help you revise your pitch!
I appreciate the thoughts! So, I am hoping the illustrator can help the reader see that Little Blue isn’t totally deflated – think of how a 3-day old balloon still has air but drags the ground. I intend to work on lightening the mood some and including those examples. I really thank you for a close look at this!
Yes, I would read this! I’m extremely curious to see what happens. I love that the friends rally around Little Blue!
Thanks for the encouragement!
Once I hit the word “flatulence” I wanted to read it! But the beginning of the pitch sounded like a serious, heartwrenching story. I was surprised by the ending. It would be nice to weave in some playfulness earlier, because if the beginning doesn’t grab someone, they might not read to the end. I can totally see how a balloon making the flatulence sound makes sense (what kid doesn’t love that sound), but not sure how that will lift the balloon rather than deflating it. I wonder if the book uses onomatopoeia for the sound. It might be a nice addition to the pitch.
This also might be a good story to reverse the order of the pitch: “Pffft! Normally, the sound of flatulence is associated with a balloon deflating, but it might be just the right thing to lift the spirits for Little Blue when he’s floating low.”
Great idea about reversing the pitch! Yes, lots of onomatopoeia. I have work to do! Thanks!
Sounds adorable. And so clever too!
Thank you, Donna. I can really see the pictures in mind – hope it’ll become a book someday!
I wasn’t interested until I got to the flatulence, which makes it sound like it will be a funny story, and yes, I want to read that! I suggest dropping the first 2 “downer” sentences. Start with “Little Blue’s balloon buddies display real friendship when they rally around him to lift him up when he’s feeling down.” In my mind, the “flatulence” sends him soaring, as balloons go wild when the air suddenly whooshes out of them. But that seems like a very temporary solution, so I’m intrigued, wondering what else happens to Little Blue. Good story idea!
Yes, thanks so much for the ideas. Sometimes you’re just too close to see what needs to happen in your own writing. Work to do!
Hi Sandy,
What a clever premise for a picture book! I don’t think you need the first line since you’re letting us know that Little Blue is very distressed about being low, low, low. I agree with some of the other commenters, I’d like a little more detail as to how Little Blue’s buddies “bolster” him. Perhaps you could use a more balloon-related term like “lift him up?” or “lift his spirits?” I’m very interested in how the flatulence comes into play! Sounds like a fun story!!
Thank you for your comments! This writing thing is so hard!
Sandy, I think this is so cute. Yes, I would read it!
Oh, thank you!
Yes, I would read it! I’m sure it will be a story that is quite humorous!!! 🙂
Thanks so much! Perhaps it’ll show up in print someday!
A very novel idea! I would read this piece, for sure. I think you could eliminate the first sentence completely. To make the second sentence a bit more interesting, I might say
Little blue is down, dejected, downhearted – which is distressing…..
Can’t wait to see the real book with the illustrations for this!
Thanks for the ideas!
Who could turn away a picture book that involves flatulence? 🙂 I love how concise your pitch is – just a teaser to get someone hooked enough to want to read! I loved the repetition of “low” and it made me think it was a hint of the voice to come 🙂 I agree with previous comments about tweaking a few words here or there to let the humor and personality of your book shine through even more.