It’s Wednesday, and I’m still in Halloweensie Land doing wrap up, but I knew you wouldn’t want to miss Would You Read It, so here we are! 😊. . .
. . . heading straight for Something Chocolate because some days, that’s the only option! 😊 Can I interest any of you in some Chocolate Eclair Cake?
Chocolate Eclair Cake
I mean really. How scrumptious does that look? It’s like hot chocolate turned into a cake. Clearly breakfast! 😊
nonnomnomnomnom!
Ah! I feel refreshed! How about you? Ready for some pitching?
Me too!
Today’s pitch which comes to us from Patricia. Patricia is a serial mover and mother to three adult humans and two orange pups. She loves gardening, snorkeling, and exploring new places.
Find her on the web at:
Wander, Ponder, Write
Twitter: @ptntweets
Instagram: ptnozell
Here is her pitch:
Working Title: Back To The Sea
Age/Genre: Informational Fiction Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch: One magical morning on a lush, tropical island, a young child accompanies a cast of terrestrial hermit crabs as they scritchedy-scratch and clickety-clack on their annual journey to spawn in the sea. Inspired by a viral video of this rarely-viewed event, this lyrical STEM manuscript is Hawk Rising for beach lovers.
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Patricia improve her pitch. Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above. There are openings in January, so you have time to polish your pitch before putting it up for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!
Patricia is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch! I am looking forward to a very long nap which I will be scheduling to take place when I have time. . . perhaps a year from Tuesday or so 😊
Before we go, let’s take a moment to celebrate and thank our veterans, since today is their day. I’m sure we all have at least one veteran right in our own families, and to say we owe them everything is not an overstatement. We live the lives we live today because of them. Thank you all for your service ❤️
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 😊
Susanna Leonard Hill 
Nice pitch! I would definitely read it. Love the STEM topic, onomatopoeia, and active verbs–and the fact that it was inspired by a viral video. Nice, concise pitch with a great comp!
I would definitely read it. The first line really drew me in!
Thank you Heather!
Yes, I would definitely read this. I’m drawn to lyrical texts and stories about ocean creatures. Plus, Hawk Rising is a favorite of mine. Mentioning the video that inspired the story is interesting, but I’m not sure it needs to be part of the pitch. I love the onomatopoeia that gives a taste of the writing. Can you hint a bit at the obstacles or dangers the crabs might encounter to give more of a sense of story? Good luck with this!
Thank you, Rose, for your positive comments and helpful suggestions.
Absolutely, I would read this! You have stated the facts while giving a hint of the flavor of the story. Great job! Can’t wait for it to be picked up!
Thanks for the vote of confidence!
Great pitch Patricia! Yes, I would read it. Love the ocean and crabs. I used to scuba dive years ago. Good luck with this.
Love the onomatopoeia and the last sentences blend the inspirational source, STEM tie, and comp title seamlessly. The opening phrase is a wee bit generic; maybe something more specific than morning (e.g. dawn or whenever hermit crabs are on the move). Ditto for ‘tropical island’ (e.g. actual location or at least hemisphere or ocean).
Thank you Eleanor! I’m a former scuba diver, too, and still love the ocean.
Thank you Katie. It is dawn, so I will be more specific on that.
Very nice pitch, Pat. I would definitely read this! The alliteration and onomatopoeia make it fun to read. I like that you included where the inspiration came from. Perhaps a small hint at any obstacle or threat to the crabs as they make their journey might add to the hook! Best of luck!
Good suggestion, Judy. I’ll plan to tweak & include a clue to that.
Yes! I’m intrigued! I really like your language of clickety-clack and scritchedy-scratch in your pitch. Perhaps you could add some stakes to the pitch? Do they have to make it to the sea on time before the seagulls gobble them up? Good luck to you!
Thanks, Katie. I’ll tweak this to give a better sense of obstacles & stakes.
Yes! I’m lucky enough to have read this one and I think the pitch works well. My only suggestion would be to hint at obstacles like others have suggested. Good luck Patricia!
Thanks Deborah! I’ll plan to hint at the obstacles as you, and others, have suggested.
Yes! I would read this one. It sounds magical. Maybe hint at obstacles, which there must be many, to give an element of conflict. But otherwise, love it!
Thanks, Angie, I will hint at the obstacles, as you and others have suggested.
Good morning!
I am a yes for this one. I like the lyrical language and hearing your voice come through the pitch. I understand that this is a STEM nonfiction piece, but knowing there is a ‘journey’ with a kid makes it both more appealing and if I had one criticism, leaves the “story” part of this pitch a bit vague; though likely this is expressed through your comp title that I am not familiar with.
Good luck!
Thanks for your enthusiastic support & suggestion to add more clues about the actual storyline. It’s clear I have some tweaking to do on this pitch!
I would also definitely read this, but see the pitch as having 3 separate parts. It’s been a very long time that I have been here to look at pitches, so I am not sure if my impression would apply to a pitch as well as a ms. The lyrical beginning describes the setting, which I like for the rhythm, but am not sure how necessary it is as we find a beach scene described in the 2nd part. The 2nd part is fun for the onomatopoeia, but sounds “sharper” in contrast to the soft opening. The inspiration is also not important to me personally in the 3rd part. In any case I would still read it as the subject and the onomatopoeia sounds like a lot of fun! Best of luck, Patricia!
Thank you for chiming in, Julie! I see what you mean about the 3 separate parts. I think I have some further tweaking to do.
COMMENT POSTED FOR RAE
Yes, I want to read “Back to Sea” right now. I was absolutely intrigued by the link to video which informs the process of sparing. And, a big YES to STEM connections. Way to go. Rae McDonald
Thank you Rae! I’m so happy that you’re excited to read this.
I love how much information about the story you convey, and you also give a sense of the voice. The topic sounds interesting to me as an adult/teacher, and would captivate children too. I look forward to reading it someday!
Thank you Natasha. I hope this will be published someday soon.
That’s a great pitch! no comments:)
Thanks Lauri! I’m so glad you liked it!
Yes! I would read Back To The Sea! Love your pitch.
Thanks Janet! I’m so happy you liked it.
Yes! I loved the lyrical language, the fun sounds, and the STEM element! Lots of promises in this pitch and I’d be so excited to read 🙂
Thank you Nicole. I’m glad you’re excited to read it.
Nice pitch! I especially like the stem element! Yes I would read “Back to the Sea”! 🙂
Thank you!
Maybe–with some tweaks 😉 I think with pitches you need to get right to the heart of the story. As others have mentioned, it would be great to get a hint of why this story is compelling or important. What is exciting or unique about this journey to spawn? And why does this particular child follow them? Is the child important to the narrative? Can you give some specifics? Is this their first time seeing crabs? What is their connection to the crabs/ Why are they following them? I don’t think you should refer to a video, that feels very third-hand and passive. And, if the story is non-fiction, I’m not sure about using the word magical in a pitch? Also, beach lovers implies beach goers, not marine animal lovers, to me. I’m a nitpicker! Also, scritchedy sounded past-tense to my ear, paired against clickety. I think scritchety feels like a better match:)
I played around a bit: A young child follows a cast of terrestrial hermit crabs as they scritchety-scratch and clickety-clack to the sea, on their perilous journey to spawn. In this lyrical STEM story (a Hawk Rising for marine animal fans) readers will learn xxx — some details? Here you could add some setting details, if you have room. Good luck!
Thank you Kirsten. I love what you term “nitpicky” comments & your reworking of the pitch.
Although I would read it because I have an interest in the topic, I agree with Kirsten’s helpful suggestions.
Thanks Jilanne!
I would read it. I’m curious to see how the hermit crabs are portrayed – realistically or as characters themselves. Hermit crabs are a great way to introduce children to sea life, which of course ultimately leads to environmentally aware citizens, so great topic. I think KristenPendreigh had some good points, particularly with respect to language.
Thank you Jamie. In one version of this story, the crabs were human-like characters. But in this version, the crabs are true hermit crabs.
Definitely a “read”! My personal opinion is that I would remove “on a lush tropical island” unless that island is crucial to the story. I agree that the soft beginning and the more scientific middle do not go together so well. But love the idea of the her,it crabs and the onomatopoeias! Looking forward to this one coming out!
I would read it! I love the onomatopoeia and sense appeal in your first sentence. I might suggest you leave out the inspiration part and include something about what dire things could happen to these sea creatures along their journey to the sea. It isn’t without peril.
Late to the party here, but I agree that it’s a great pitch, and already I know what child I will be reading this with! Just a few questions (and I am NOT a pitch maven!). Is it necessary to describe the beach in the first sentence? It’s beautiful, but I don’t know if such detail needs to be in the pitch. If there are obstacles, I’d maybe add them. Do you think the last sentence should have something “oceany” in it as opposed to “beachy”? LOVE it and will definitely be reading this book when it comes out. 🙂 Good luck!