Howdy, Friends!
I don’t know where the days disappear to, but somehow here we’ve rolled around to another Would You Read It Wednesday AND it’s the last day of March!
Seeing as how tomorrow is April Fools’ Day, may I suggest (at the risk of promoting my own book 🙃) a little reading material for anyone who is looking?
Now, as a reward for putting up with my shameless self-promotion, may I offer you Something Chocolate? Death By Chocolate Eclair Cake sounds like a perfect choice!
Death By Chocolate Eclair Cake
Yumyumyum! Creamy and chocolate-y and scrumptiously delicious! Feel free to take an extra slice for later. You never know when you might need a quick pick-me-up!
Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Jamie who says, “I’ve been working on picture books for a few years. In terms of style, they are all over the place: lyrical, humorous, and now a fractured fairy tale. I have entered a few editions of your fabulous contests and enjoy the community you’ve created. People can find/follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/jmdonahoe or Instagram https://www.instagram.com/jamiedonahoe/“
Here is her pitch:
Working Title: Goldilocks: A Very Tired Tale
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch: Goldilocks is exhausted and knows deep down there is a solution, but she can’t quite put her finger on it. Mares? Pears? Stairs? Hijinks ensue as Goldilocks puts her quest for rest to the test in this fractured fairy tale.
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Jamie improve her pitch. Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above. There are openings in April, so you could get your pitch up pretty soon for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!
Jamie is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch! I am looking forward to APRIL which, in addition to having a realistic chance at a little spring weather, is a month which boasts 6 family birthdays PLUS jelly beans and chocolate easter eggs! Eggsellent!
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 😊
Susanna Leonard Hill 
Yes, I love this storybook idea. I think it is lovely original twist on the Goldilocks tale 🙂
Hi Jamie, It’s a strong maybe, leaning toward yes. Personally, I’m intrigued by the rhyme progression in her” quest for rest”! On first read, I found myself puzzled about story arc, it took me a second reading to figure it out. Perhaps the phrase “exhausted” is used so much in our society for adults that it didn’t at first occur to me that of course, she needed a nap.
Would you consider: “ Goldilocks is so tired and knows deep down there is a fix to her fatigue, but she can’t quite think of it!”
It may just be I’m tired now too, lol! But, hmmmm After that third reading, I’m now hooked and moved onto YES… Hope it gets a bite! Yours, T.
Hi Jamie: I love fractured fairy tales, and they are very popular right now. I would say YES. However, I was a bit puzzled about the story arc as well – would like some more details. Also, when you say “solution”, do you maybe mean “reason” ? Best of luck, Elizabeth
I would read it. I always love the humour of fractured fairy tales. I am wondering what the hijinx might be and if Goldie will end up finding a place to rest in Little Bear’s bed or elsewhere. I have to know, so I’d definitely read to find out.
As someone who has acted out the Goldilocks tale in varying versions with her grandkids, I would HAVE to see what this twist has going on. DEF yes! (Not to mention being a sucker for a good rhyme)
Happy almost April Fool’s Day, Susanna & Phyllis! Much to celebrate, indeed!
Jamie, I would read this after reading the pitch. The title confused me, though, as I thought tired referred to the story, not to Goldilocks herself. I also don’t think you need to state that it’s a fractured fairy tale, as that’s evident in the rest of the pitch. Instead, I’d give some clues to the nature of the hijinks, if you can do so without revealing the entire plot.
Hooray for fractured tales! The puns and other word play are fun elements of the pitch. Yet the one in the title (tired tale) could play in a not great way since its common meaning is ‘bad or cliche story.’ And that’s not good for quick-scanning agents or book buyers. The ‘mares, pears, stairs trio is an efficient, fun way to convey 3 scenes. I’d suggest moving mares to later in the list since a lot of readers may get stuck trying to figure it out. Reading the more familiar stairs and pears first will make clear the pronunciation and also set up think-time to recall what a mare is. Hijinks ensue = too vague and a bit cliche; details, please. Maybe with a hint of what role the bears play (if any).
Susanna, as much as you do for authors, you could put up a whole banner and marching band of self-promotion and we would embrace it (especially if you put your book cover on a chocolate cake! ;))
I like reading fractured fairy tales, so I’d want to read more based on that. I didn’t feel the pitch quite gave me enough–except for more questions. Like, what do mares, pears, and stairs have to do with getting rest? How is the topic of exhaustion going to relate to kiddos? Exhaustion is def a parent thing, but in my experience, kids don’t really understand that the reason things aren’t going well in their lives is because they need a nap. So this pitch did pique my interest! Good luck with this, Jamie!
I would read it – love a twist on a classic! And, adding the element of rhyming is always a crowd pleaser in a classroom! Susanna, I love April Fool, Phyllis!! I have read it to my class and shared my adventure trekking around a maple syrup farm in Vermont. 🙂 Such a fun book!
As the Author of Moldilocks and the Three Scares (Sterling, 2011; Scholastic 2011), I was intrigued by this and would definitely give it a look. However, I do agree that a “tired tale” doesn’t quite read well. And I also wasn’t clear on the story arc or where it was leading. I was wondering why Goldilocks was exhausted, and felt that “knows deep down there is a solution, but she can’t quite put her finger on it” was a bit to vague and inactive. Perhaps highlight an attempt to solve the story problem that’s engaging and humorous? I did sound a bit like a bedtime story but it wasn’t quite clear. So I suppose my advice would be to clarify and show, rather than tell, how fun the book will be 🙂 Hope this proves helpful.
Thank you! I am trying to find the line between appealing to the old ones an young ones. Will indeed continue to explore. (Love the concept of Moldilocks, btw!)
I would say yes,! A few revisions perhaps as mentioned in comments above!
Susanna, loved the trailer..great story for April 1st!
Thanks for another “chocolate” recipe!! 🙂
Yes, I would read this. I especially liked the rhyming words in the pitch which gives a clue as to what we might find in the story (assuming it’s written in rhyme). I agree that a few more specific details about the plot would help.
I’m hooked! Love a good fractured fairy tale.
Just two things: Would you consider replacing the word ‘exhausted’? That took me out of a child’s world. And, I agree with Lynne Marie’s suggestion of showing as opposed to telling. This would give the reader a glimpse of your style and wit.
Love the premise of this and yes, I would read this in a sec!
I love the word play…. as I consider her possible interaction with the three bears (mares, pears, stairs)Is it that she is so tired, that she can’t think straight and can’t remember the word bears? When you write “the quest for rest to the test”…. I wonder will it be a rhyming book? You have gotten interest with this pitch, I would read this book for sure.
You nailed it – the bears are the answer! It’s not a rhyming book (I wouldn’t dare try!) but there are rhymes within the text. Thanks for your thoughts!
YES – the pitch it brilliant writing in itself!
Yes, I’m intrigued about the story. It’s time for children to see fairy tales in a new light. Good luck.