Howdy, Friends!
It’s once again time to answer that all important question: Would You Read It?
Because at the end of the day, that’s what writers, agents, and editors need to know, and what kids, parents, teachers, and librarians want to answer!
I think we should start by fueling up with Something Chocolate. After all, it’s important that our brains be firing on all cylinders 😊 How do you feel about No Bake Oreo Cheesecake (that manages to look like a milkshake!) for breakfast, coffee break, second breakfast, lunch, mid-afternoon pick-me-up, tea time, dinner. . . or whatever coincides with your arrival time here?
No Bake Oreo Cheesecake
YUM! I knew you’d be in favor! It is impossible to resist anything with Oreos 😊
Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Carol who says, “My passion is writing for children. I love to entertain, amuse, and inspire them.”
Find her on the web at http://caroliverson.net
Here is her pitch:
Working Title: Princess Lucille’s Castle
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 3-5)
The Pitch: Princess Lucille gives you a tour of her castle beginning at the moat and drawbridge and takes you through each room to the exit where you can buy princesses souvenirs.
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Carol improve her pitch. Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above. There are openings in April so you could get your pitch up pretty soon for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!
Carol is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch! I am looking forward to getting started on fencing part of my yard (not that I really want to…) because some people (ahem…Violet!) cannot be trusted now that baby animal season is fast upon us. Also, she has exhibited a proclivity for taking herself nearly 1/4 mile down the road to help herself to the neighbor’s trash. She brought back a 1/2 gallon of chocolate milk in a plastic jug on Friday. The time has come to rein this bad baby in!
Don’t let the sweet innocent look fool you! 😊
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 😊
Susanna Leonard Hill 
Hi Carol! I’m intrigued if this is a NF book about castles, narrated by a princess. (Is that the concept?)
Or is there a story arc fiction that I don’t see?
Clarify that for us and that would bring my strong maybe to a yes! Thanks for sharing!
I’m sure Violet thought she was being helpful bringing back the chocolate milk. I’m sure there’s a story in that. 🙂
Hi Carol, I’m not sure if I’d read your story or not. Is it simply an information book about rooms in a castle, or does something happen in each room? I like the idea of souvenirs being sold at the end – just like a real tour.
Hi Carol, the end part of souvenirs is a good implication of some humor here. But what makes the story different or stand out? Are some of the items on the tour somewhat hidden so the reader can find them? Or are there scenes or objects which really never go hand in hand with the usual “princess-like” traditional image eg. baseball mitt, or a race car instead of horses? Is the story placed in the present or in past history? There are so many variables with fun surprises you can do but it doesn’t come out in your pitch. Keep asking and answering questions to your story self. Soon you will find the bare-bone essence of what your story is about and why you are writing it. Good luck on your journey.
Hi Carol, Would you consider showing us some delightful action from the story? it would be so much fun to see what obstacles Princess Lucille has, while touring the reader around her castle, and what she does about it to solve the problem. After taking a look at your lovely webpage, I noticed some of your pitches for agents and editors under the tab, For Your Eyes Only, are indeed NF:Mary Kingsley: Explorer and ABC’s Go Around The World. So, if you are setting up this story as nonfiction, then we need to know this. Gosh, I like the name Lucille, but it hasn’t been popular for a long time. Would you consider giving the Princess a more modern name?
http://www.ourbabynamer.com/Lucille-name-popularity.html
You see so much more in this manuscript than you have shared with us. Would welcome hearing what you know, feel, see. The premise is fabulous!
Thanks for sharing:)
The pitch reads more like a description of a ride or tour at a basic amusement park or an ad for castle souvenirs than a story. The princess needs a problem to solve. Or, if the book is a bit of a concept book or narrative NF, it needs a hint at the topic (e.g. learning shapes via castle architecture). The tone is light and direct – which is great.
Poor you, Susanna, and poor Violet. I can picture some very humorous illustrations for your next picture book – I’m sure you’ll be able to corral just the right words as you fence in Violet.
Carol, I’m intrigued by the notion of a castle tour given by one of its inhabitants (I confess that I was very disappointed when none of the Windsors acted as guide in my one and only foray into Buckingham Palace on a public tour years ago). In addition to the comments above, I’d suggest giving a clue to Lucille’s character & why she’s the perfect, or not-so-perfect, guide. I look forward to reading your revised pitch & learning more about Lucille & her home.
Maybe – I like the personalized touch of a specific person giving us the tour. Can the pitch be pumped up a little – “drawbridge and dungeon to tower and turret”? Just out of curiosity, does Princess Lucy have an quirks? I’d love to see some in the pitch. Best wishes.
I agree with the others. This has SO much potential, and I wonder if we didn’t get enough info in the pitch to totally draw us in. Isn’t that always the problem? They say it has to be short and sweet, but there needs to be enough info that it draws us in. SO difficult for me! Is it nonfiction? Concept book? Or is there an arc? I can picture all the little hidden things that only a princess would know. She could take us to private rooms, show us a collection of “princess only” things, etc.Question: Is she supposed to be doing this, or is she breaking the rules somehow? Just thinking aloud. It sounds like there could be so many wonderful things in this. Once it is clear what type of book this is, I know I would want to read it. Good luck with this!
First – Susanna. If Violet brings the chocolate milk jugs back full, send her my way! (your doggos are adorable)
I agree with the others on the pitch. I’m not sure why Princess Lucy is giving the tour. Why does the reader want to go on this journey? Will they be learning about castles? Will they learn something about Princess Lucy in the process? I lived in the UK and I love princesses and castles. I feel like the author has so much to share if she rethinks the pitch!
Oreo cheesecake – sounds like a great slumber party treat!
As for the pitch, this one left me feeling a little flat. As currently written, I would pass on the story. But do not despair, as with a bit of a makeover to add some drama and peeks at the plot, I could be enticed. I can’t tell much about this book: is it a Lift the Flap book, with dragons and jewels to be revealed? That could be neat. Is the tour going to reveal the family history, misdeeds and all? That could be neat too. Even learning about the parts of a castle for budding architecture buffs could be fun. If you’ve not yet written the story, maybe wait and create the pitch based on what you create and the direction it goes in.
Wish you the best of luck!
Would love to know more about this manuscript. The idea of learning about the parts of a castle intrigues me. I’m thinking that maybe this is an informational book told in a humorous way, but I’m not sure. I think adding a few more details to your pitch would strengthen it. I don’t think I’ve seen a humorous information book about castles, so I’m hoping that’s it. Thanks for sharing.
Hello Carol & Susanna. Thank you for sharing your pitch with us, Carol. I’m loving the overall idea of Lucille’s Castle and the little git shop at the end sounds like a lot of fun. However, I think the pitch still needs a bit more ‘oomph’. Something to hook the reader would make a big difference..some kind of problem to solve, maybe something to draw us into the character of Lucille, make us care about her a little bit more- or perhaps something a little strange/mysterious/quirky about the castle and the gift shop. I wish you the very best of luck with developing this idea further Carol.
I feel the pitch needs something to build my curiosity on why I would want to tour the castle.
Thinking this is a great story. Just add a little more detail and…sold!!! 😉