Would You Read It Wednesday – The 41st Pitch, and Straight From The Editor #7

Well, MY GOODNESS!  Apparently I am a glutton for punishment!

Have you read the entries in the Birthday Contest?  (If you haven’t, you should,  They’re really amazing!  So much creativity!)

But they’re all so good!  And somehow my assistant judge and I have to choose finalists!  We certainly have our work cut out for us.  (Thank goodness we have a very large tray of donuts!)

The contest is now closed, but never fear.  The finalists will be posted on Monday May 28 and I hope you will all come back and vote!

Meanwhile, we have Straight From The Editor, where everybody’s favorite editor, Erin Molta, comments on the winning pitch from last month.

You will recall that Rebecca won April’s Pitch Pick with her pitch for Broomstick Rodeo:

Working Title:  Broomstick Rodeo
Age/Genre:  Picture Book (4-7)
The Pitch:  The Thistlegulch Sisters have thirteen trophies between them and they’re determined to win another. They practice for the rodeo until they’re chapped under their chaps and have calluses on their warts. But when a buckin’ broomstick charges towards their youngest sister, Myrna, they realize there are more important things in life than winning trophies.

Here are Erin’s comments, so that we can all learn!

This sounds like it could be very cute! But I think the pitch would work better if, rather than saying how hard they practiced, you mentioned what they neglected because they wanted to win so badly—like perhaps Myrna. That way it makes sense that suddenly they would care about Myrna.

Interesting.  And encouraging, I think 🙂

Now then, I’m in the mood for some of those lovely cider donuts today.  How about you?

Would you like one (or three?)  Help yourselves!  There’s coffee and tea, too.

Then get comfy for today’s pitch which comes to us from our very own Banana Peelin’ Elizabeth!

Elizabeth Stevens Omlor loves slipping on banana peels. She has at least one slip a day, physically or verbally. She loves writing for children, although she has recently discovered she is a delusional rhymer. When she isn’t writing for children, you can find her having a kitchen dance party with her husband and two young children or drinking a large glass of milk. She loves milk. Yum.  Especially when it’s in chocolate. She blogs about all of this on Banana Peelin’: The Ups and Downs of Becoming a Children’s Writer.

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Magnificent
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch:  When the synchronized swimming Savanna Belles lose their watering hole to drought, the troop of elephant calves decide ballet is the perfect way to make them feel magnificent once again. Facing the challenges of trunk-tickling ants, loss of weightlessness, and the scarcity of tutus, can the girls tame the doubtful roars, hisses and cackles of the their wild friends, proving that they really can be magnificent ballerinas? Follow the tutued journey of these silly mammals as they sashay, leap and plié their way into even the wildest of hearts.

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Elizabeth improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in August, so you have time to polish 🙂 for a chance for it to be read by editor Erin Molta!
Elizabeth is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!

See you all on Friday for Perfect Picture Books (assuming I haven’t run off to Outer Mongolia to avoid having to pick finalists in the contest! :))

84 thoughts on “Would You Read It Wednesday – The 41st Pitch, and Straight From The Editor #7

  1. Susanna Leonard Hill says:

    Glad you liked the donuts 🙂 And no word count that I know if, but this is a bit long, as everyone has pointed out. I'm sure Elizabeth will trim it down to size in no time now that she's heard everyone's thoughts 🙂

  2. Susanna Leonard Hill says:

    Erik, Delores, Coleen, Tina, Catherine, Candy, Renee, Stacy, Penny, Genevieve, Vivian, Darshana, Linda, Joanna, Jen, Heather, Pam, Bethany, Clar, Alison, Julie, Kirsten, Julie, and Margaret – thank you all so much for stopping by and commenting on Elizabeth's pitch!!! I'm sorry to be thanking you all together instead of individually, but I was away from my desk all day and am now trying to catch up on 160 emails 🙂 hence the lumping together 🙂 Thanks for all the comments – you are all wonderful!

  3. Jarmila V. Del Boccio says:

    Picturing elephant calves dancing with tutus makes me giggle, Elizabeth! Yes, I would read it…sounds like a fun book. One comment, tho'…could you tighten the end of the pitch by combining the last two sentences somehow, or eliminating the final sentence? Otherwise, it sounds like a winner!

  4. Ldegman says:

    This sounds like such a fun story Elizabeth! I love the title and the fun wordplay! I'd cut “Facing the challenges of trunk-tickling ants, loss of weightlessness, and the scarcity of tutus,” Once you do that – it's perfect! I can't wait to read it!

  5. Elizabeth Stevens Omlor says:

    Aha! Interesting take Alison. Thanks so much for your suggestions. I am going to take a look right now to play with your ideas!

  6. Elizabeth Stevens Omlor says:

    It is one of those questions isn't it?! Did you read Renee's version? It is much better than mine. =) WHY, Julie? Why is it SO hard?!? Sob, sob, sniffle. Hey, but I am glad you would read it. =) Thanks so much for your suggestions!

  7. Elizabeth Stevens Omlor says:

    I have gone from a no-conflict kinda girl to a too-much conflict kinda girl! There is quit a lot squeezed in there. Argh. I write like I talk a lot of the times. =) Thanks so much for your input!

  8. Elizabeth Stevens Omlor says:

    Ohhhhh…. a soundtrack. You really are thinking outside the box Julie! Too much stuff is right. I agree. I love your suggestion and your play on words! Tu-tu cute! Thanks so much for your help.

  9. Elizabeth Stevens Omlor says:

    Thank you so much Margaret! Wasn't Renee's version great! I am definitely going to take it and run with it! I agree, there is quite a bit of conflict in there. I need to tweek it a bit, for sure. Thanks again for your input!

  10. Elizabeth Stevens Omlor says:

    You are not the only person suggesting the combination of the last two sentences…I will definitely try to do that! Thanks so much Jarm for your suggestions and I am glad it made you giggle. I am pretty sure that is my goal in life, to make people giggle. =)

  11. Elizabeth Stevens Omlor says:

    Woo hoo! Thanks Lori D. Wow, I like the sound of that, Lori D. It reminds me of first grade. =) Thanks so much for the suggestion and kind words. I think I might eliminate that piece. I tried to squeeze it all in. =)

  12. Pam says:

    I read your pitch again. I really do see this story of your magnificent elephants becoming a series of stories.

  13. Rebecca C says:

    This is a definite read for me! Sounds like such fun and hilarity! I'd try to tighten the pitch. There are a few extra words here and there that I feel can be removed. And I wonder if you should lengthen the title to something like: The Magnificent Savanna Belles. I've inserted your pitch below with amendments.
    When the synchronized swimming Savanna Belles lose their watering hole, the elephants decide ballet is the perfect way to make them feel magnificent once again. Facing the challenges of trunk-tickling ants, loss of weightlessness, and the scarcity of tutus, can the girls tame the doubtful roars, hisses and cackles of the their wild friends, proving that they really can be magnificent ballerinas? Follow the tutued journey of these elephants as they sashay, leap and plié their way into even the wildest of hearts.

  14. Thegracefuldoe says:

    I think I would read it. I love the idea of sychronised swimming/ballet dancing elephants and I can see my kids loving it, too, especially my dance-obsessed daughter. It sounds like a fun read.

    In terms of the pitch, it could use some tightening. The sentences are quite long and need to either be trimmed or broken up into shorter sentences. I found there was so much crammed into the sentences they were a little confusing to read and I had to read back over them to be sure of what they were saying.

    But I would certainly pick this book up off the shelf and look inside.

  15. Elizabeth Stevens Omlor says:

    Rebecca, great title suggestion! And I love your tightening of the pitch. Phew! You guys have really been helpful. Thanks so much for your input. 🙂

  16. Elizabeth Stevens Omlor says:

    Yes! There was too much crammed into those sentences. So sorry you were confused. I think Renee and Rebecca have some great suggestions to help eliminate some of these issues! Yikes! I am glad you might read it! Thanks so much for your input. 🙂 hope the little one is doing well!

  17. Susanna Leonard Hill says:

    I could cheat and make everyone a finalist… then it would all be up to your guys' vote! 🙂

    Tracy Campbell wrote, in response to Susanna Leonard Hill:

    Both pitches were excellent. I'd read them.
    And Susanna, you are a glutton for punishment.
    I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, okay, maybe I would.

    User's profile
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  18. Dana Atnip says:

    I would definitely read it! I love the idea of elephants in tutus and I can easily picture the scorn that they would receive from the other animals in the jungle. I think it also sends a great message to be proud of doing what you love, regardless of what others think. There already have been so many great suggestions I can't think of anymore to add, except that I also agree that the title would be more tantalizing if it were something like, “The Magnificent Savanna Belles”, such as Rebecca C. suggested earlier. Great job!

  19. Elizabeth Stevens Omlor says:

    Aw, thanks Dana for your kind words. =) And I think that title is MUCH more tantalizing! Thanks so much for commenting!

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