Shhh!
(I don’t want my computer to hear this conversation!)
But between you, me and the fencepost, I’m afraid it’s going over to the dark side.
I mean, when I turn it on and it looks like this:
it really can’t be good!
So I think I may be taking a little jaunt to the computer store soon…
…much as I hate the idea of change!
I’m such a tech dinosaur. I like to keep the devices I’m used to. (Witness last week’s phone screen disaster when I elected to replace the screen rather than the phone!)
Wait.
Is there a trend here?
Now that I think of it, it’s a bit worrying! First my phone, now my computer! I may be in some kind of electronic device black hole. Do they have those on Blueberry Hill? Maybe I should check with the neighbors…
Well, she says she’s not having any problems with her electronic devices and she thinks the green screen is pretty and actually looks quite delicious.
These guys agree.
So I guess everything’s okay.
It’s making me a little anxious, though, so I think Something Chocolate would be just the thing to settle my nerves 🙂
Scouting around for something delicious for today’s Something Chocolate, I came across the creation of a brilliant mind – someone who clearly said to themselves why have plain chocolate chip cookies when you could have them stuffed with cheesecake? Really, it’s sheer genius. Why has no one thought of this before? 🙂
Cheesecake Stuffed Cookies
Recipe HERE (including helpful video!) at Delish.com
…and the surprise inside! 🙂
I’m sure you can see the improved nutritional and healthful benefits of this beautiful creation – protein, dairy, whole grains and vegetables (don’t forget – chocolate comes from a bean!) in the cookie, and plenty of calcium in the cheesecake filling! What could be a better breakfast?!
Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Greg who says, “I’m a husband, father, author, hockey player, geocacher, and cockeyed optimist. I enjoy cooking and baking, especially chocolatey goodies. I have two self-published books out and one traditional published book.”
LINKS
https://www.facebook.com/gregoryebray/
http://gregoryebrayauthor.blogspot.com/
Twitter: @GEBray19
Instagram: gregoryebray
Here is his pitch:
Working Title: The Remindeer
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-10)
The Pitch: Santa has departed to deliver Christmas presents, but one has been left behind. Wally, being Santa’s right hooved reindeer, has to find a way to deliver it. Unlike the other reindeer, Wally can’t fly. He’ll have to find another means to deliver the present and save Christmas for the intended child.
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Greg improve his pitch. Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above. There are openings in October, so you have time to polish your pitch before putting it up for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!
Greg is looking forward to your thoughts on his pitch! I am looking forward to looking…just looking…at new computers… and what might come of that no one knows so no current computers should take offense or feel insulted and stop working completely if they happen to be overhearing this conversation!
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 🙂
Susanna Leonard Hill 
I love Greg’s pitch and I would surely read the story. I wouldn’t change a word. It’s an original idea I think.I can picture Wally searching for the child.
As for your laptop or desktop computer, we had a computer shop years ago and I took care of hardware problems. It looks like your graphic card needs to be replaced. If the graphic card is embedded in the motherboard and you have a few slots where you can add a graphic card your’re all set if it’s a desktop. For a laptop, it all depends if you have a dedicated graphic card that can be replaced, if not you can always buy a video cable and attach your laptop to a monitor.
Thank you, Eleanor.
Yes I would definitely read it ! Gregory had me at “right hooved reindeer.”
Thank you, Sarah.
Oh my gosh… cookies and cheesecake are awesome separately… but together…. cue drooling lol
I’m a yes, but with some feedback. Firstly I love the idea!!! Representing different abilities (one of Santa’s reindeer who can’t fly) and another topic kids connect with, which is having a purpose/role! My only comment is that Some of the language is a little formal, which challenges the voice of the character (usually representative of the age group reading the book). I would then be a little worried about formality throughout the rest of the manuscript which might make it hard for the littlies to connect/engage with. So my examples are “Wally, being Santa’s….” it might be more accessible if you said something like… “Wally is Santa’s right Hooved helper….” and the other one is ending on “intended child”. Just use the gender/name of the child here instead…. so that little timmy doesn’t miss out. These are only very minor suggestions. I think this is a really sweet idea! And I want to find out how creative Wally has to get in order to deliver the present!!! Awesome job!
Thank you, Rachel. I’ll work on removing the formal language.
Such a clever title and great concept! Yes, I would certainly read it but I have to agree with Rachel, I found the pitch very formal. Even the use of the word ‘departed’, so early on in the pitch through me off. Don’t get me wrong, I love the use of ‘big words’ within the text of a picture book, and having opportunities to expand my kiddos vocabulary… but I don’t really want to have to stop mid-pitch to explain a word. Good luck with this one! I can’t wait to see what kind of adventures Wally has!
Susanna, good luck with your computer that does NOT sound like fun.
Thank you, Jennifer. The departed will soon be departing from my pitch.
I love cheesecake, Susanna, and the idea of wrapping it in a chocolate chip cookie “crust” sounds too good to be true! And speaking of truth, I truly hope your green screen is fixed – soon!
Greg, I would read your story. The idea of Santa not always getting things right will be a hit, I think, with kids & parents. I agree with Rachel, though, that I’d like a name or some other identifier with the child at the end. “Intended child” seems rather formal. Even “perfect” might be better, if you don’t feel you can reveal a name or gender in the pitch. I look forward to seeing how you tweak this!
Thank you, Patricia. In the story the child has a name. I’ll add the to to pitch.
I am a little more on the fence. I love a fun Christmas adventure story. I think the pitch just needs some tweaking to turn me to a yes.
For me, the title and the pitch don’t match up. I am not sure what remindeer has to do with Wally figuring out how to deliver the forgotten gift. I think you can shorten up this part of your pitch and add a couple more details about the adventure and/or why Wally is the Remindeer.
For example:
After Santa departs to deliver gifts, Wally, Santa’s right hooved reindeer, discovers a forgotten present. Since Wally can’t fly, he must find another way to get the gift delivered.
Is Wally’s job to make sure all the presents are loaded and ready to go? Is he feeling blue, because he messed up so he wants to make things right?
Then you could say something like, Just after Santa left on his Christmas delivery, Wally, Santa’s right hooved reindeer discovers he forgot to load one present. To save his job, he must find a way to get this gift delivered.
I hope this is helpful. I think Wally could be a fun character who reminds us that no one is perfect, but second chances and fortitude can turn things around.
Thank you, Sarah. It is helpful. I’m reworking it now and hopefully that gets you off the fence, onto the good side. =)
Greg, I’m giving this a yes as I think it could be a fun Christmas story. I agree with previous commenters about the formal tone of the pitch. Also, I got tripped up by the “right-hooved reindeer” part. I had to stop and think about it since it didn’t immediately translate to “right-hand man” for me. Possibly because Santa is human and doesn’t have hooves. (To me it would make more sense if Wally was Rudolph’s right-hoof reindeer, because Rudolph has hooves.) Anyway, my point is I would be afraid that making an editor or agent try to figure out what you mean there would hinder the flow of the pitch. I think “right-hand reindeer” would work well and still has the nice little bit of alliteration going for it. My only other comment would be maybe to include some of the other (assuming there are other) hoops Wally has to jump through to get the forgotten present to its final destination. Tell the editor or agent why Wally doesn’t just call FedEx to pick up the present. 🙂
Thank you, FSPOSEY. I’ll see what I can come up with.
Yes – A fresh take on an evergreen theme is always smart and appealing to publishers and readers. I want to know a bit more in the query about how Wally solves his problem. And I hope the story explains something about why he can’t fly (seems a bit mean of Santa at first glance…). ‘Departed’ and ‘another means’ are slightly advanced terms. I’m noting them not to suggest a change but to comment that I find word choice so tricky for queries. As in, you’re writing a query to an adult pub/agent (not a book blurb to a kid), so use the more economic, meaningful term, right? Unless the pub/agent wants the query to read like the book itself or a blurb (and how do you predict which person wants which?). I will say ‘intended child’ does seem a bit flat. Maybe consider replacing ‘intended’ with a word that conveys the child’s potential sadness or disappointment.
Susanna, I hope you don’t have a 3rd device (as in ‘it happens in 3s’)…
Love the deer photo tie-in with today’s query, btw.
Thank you, Katie. I’ll work on your suggestions with the others.
This is a cute idea! I agree with the comments about language and especially what FSPOESY said about right hooved reindeer – that tripped me up too. I think the pitch could be tightened up some … maybe something like:
When Santa flies off to deliver Christmas presents, Wally notices one has been left behind. Unlike the other reindeer, Wally can’t fly. He’ll have to (insert obstacles) to make sure every child has a merry Christmas.
Good luck with this!
And good luck with your tech issues, Susanna – that’s the worst! 😦
Thank you, Jen. Wally’s hooves will become hands.
Wait, I got lost at the cookies. Did anyone else catch the title of the WIP, The Remindeer? Clever.
I don’t think you need this sentence at all: Wally, being Santa’s right hooved reindeer, has to find a way to deliver it.
It’s Christmas Eve, and Santa has departed to deliver Christmas presents. In his rush, he accidentally leaves a gift behind. Wally, the only reindeer that can’t fly, discovers the forgotten present and comes up with a way to deliver it before the night is over.
Hi Sally! Thanks for your input. I’m reworking it now. See you Saturday. =)
I am a maybe. I see the potential with this story, but I want to know a little more. I really like the idea of a reindeer who has to overcome his ability to deliver Christmas.
My concern is that the title doesn’t match up. It is clever, but I don’t see how it matches up. How is he a Remindeer?
Christmas is an evergreen topic and a handicapped reindeer has already been done, so I want to see (or hear) something that really sparks this story as standing apart.
Good luck!
Than you, Matthew. The story goes into more detail about the Remindeer aspect. I was trying to keep this short and sweet.
I would definitely read this! It has the potential for LOTS of fun. I don’t think you need to call Wally a right-hooved reindeer, because it seems off topic. If he’s Santa’s best buddy and most reliable remindeer, say that instead. I’d love to know what Wally is thinking when he finds the forgotten gift. Is he already planning a tactic to get the gift where it belongs? Tease us with his idea… Good luck with this.
Thank you, Gevevieve. I think I will be removing the right hooved reindeer part altogether.
Those cookies make my mouth water! As for Greg’s story idea, I LOVE the title. So clever! And I’m a big fan of Christmas picture books. But as I read the pitch, I became a maybe. The pitch doesn’t describe my idea of a quirky remindeer. Instead of reminding a forgetful Santa of things, he’s taken the forgotten gift to deliver it himself. If this is the clichéd reindeer/elf/dog/Mrs. Claus saves Christmas story, I will be disappointed. I hope the story is actually something new and exciting that a tweaked pitch can tantalize the reader with.
Thanks for your input. I’m reworking it now. Hopefully your maybe will turn into a yes. =)
Greg I love your story idea. I did stumble through the pitch a bit, but I see you are working on it! Susanna my mother just lost her generator, computer, printer, and power all in the same week, must be a full moon. Good luck on your new computer. Love the cheesecake cookie idea…brilliant!
Greg,
I know I’m late to the party and I don’t know if you’re still stopping by to check up on responses — you may have reworked it extensively by now. What stood out for me is that the core idea is fantastic but the language you’ve used feels very formal and not as fun as it could:
Santa has DEPARTED (formal, stiff word — why not LEFT?) to deliver Christmas presents, but one HAS BEEN LEFT (passive) behind. Wally, being Santa’s right hooved reindeer (cute but perhaps too self-consciously so!), has to find a way to deliver it. Unlike the other reindeer, Wally can’t fly. He’ll have to find another MEANS (formal word — why not WAY?) to deliver the present and save Christmas for the INTENDED (formal and also vague — no child has been discussed so far. Perhaps “for one hopeful child”) child.
Also, you start the pitch with Santa rather than Wally, leading the reader to think it’s Santa’s story, until the next sentence, when Wally is suddenly the centre of the pitch. So perhaps you could begin with Wally: “When Wally, the head reindeer, notices that Santa has left one present behind…” and so on. That way, you’re putting your MC and the problem front and centre.
Hope this helps — good luck!