Would You Read It Wednesday #314 – Mommy, Where’s Daddy? (PB) PLUS The January Pitch Winner!!!

Hiya folks!

If you’re feeling especially artistic today, it’s probably because it’s Michelangelo’s 544th birthday.  I know this because he and I go way back.  “Best buds” is not a stretch.  As you may or may not know, we are both known for our terrible fashion sense 🙂 And he was a poet who wrote over 300 poems, and a sculptor of great renown, and I am not a poet and my sculpting ability is taxed by making snowmen 🙂  Kindred spirits, obviously.

🙂

Anyway… while we are not talking about ballet… (and in a stunning example of a non sequitur) I’m pleased to announce that the winner of the January Pitch Pick is Dedra with her PB pitch for Mawbellina Ballerina!  Congratulations, Dedra!  Your pitch has been sent to editor Erin Molta for her thoughts!

Congratulations to all our other brave pitchers as well!  You all wrote fabulous pitches and improved them beautifully based on the feedback you received.  It is always a tough pick!  I hope everyone feels that they have solidly improved pitches to send out into the world as a result of their courage in asking for input.

You may not all have gotten to have Erin read your pitches but you have DEFINITELY earned Something Chocolate!!! 🙂 How about some Fudge which is total health food because it’s Paleo-friendly, dairy-free, and gluten-free!  (I think we can just add to that “calorie free” and “guilt free”! 🙂 )

5 Minute Coconut Oil Fudge

I mean, health food doesn’t get much more delicious-looking than that, does it?! 🙂

And it’s so good for you there’s no reason not to indulge in seconds and thirds! 🙂

Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Shell who says, “My name is Shell LeDrew, I live in beautiful Newfoundland, Canada and I am a grateful Mom to my reader Sam 10 and my tornado Buddha Charlie 7.  After a career wearing many hats including that of flight attendant, I married a pilot and wrote a story about it!
Here is a pitch for my silly and sweet 443 word Picture Book (ages 3-7) entitled “Mommy, Where’s Daddy?!””

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Mommy, Where’s Daddy?

Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 3-7)

The Pitch: After Dylan’s day dream of flying fabulous airplanes with his pilot Daddy is interrupted by his Moms insistence of bedtime, he comes up with countless tricks to delay going to bed until he realizes his sleep dream is the way back to being the wingman of his dreams!

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Shell improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above.  There are openings in May, so you have time to polish your pitch before putting it up for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!

Shell is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to improving my  sculpting skills in the medium of cookie dough! 🙂

Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 🙂

 

17 thoughts on “Would You Read It Wednesday #314 – Mommy, Where’s Daddy? (PB) PLUS The January Pitch Winner!!!

  1. Nadine Poper says:

    Susanna, your reference to Michelangelo is quite funny! If you are best buds with him, than I am too! I can’t even make a snowman…seriously!

    Shell, I have read many, many picture books and I can’t recall any recently about a daddy pilot. Sounds fun. The pitch itself seems rather wordy and one, long sentence. You use the word ‘dream’ three times and all three names, Dylan, Daddy, Mommy. I think it would read better if you break this up. The title and the pitch don’t seem to mirror each other. From the sound of the title, Daddy might be missing. Since it is a working title, you have room for change. Has Dylan flown with Daddy yet? Or is he just daydreaming about it? Perhaps something tighter such as “Dylan dreams of flying with Dad. Sleeping only gets in the way…”

    Have fun with this story!

  2. sarahheturadny says:

    Leonardo da Vinci is mine! 😀 that fudge looks delicious! Yes I would read it… The only thing that gave me pause is that how does he know he’s going to dream about what he wants to dream about when he falls asleep…(this coming from someone who had night terrors as a kid!)

  3. Ashley Congdon (@AshleyCCongdon) says:

    I would say maybe because of what the two above me said. The title seemed like it was going in a different direction than your pitch. I think you have a great idea for a story there. Having a pilot has a father can mean many things for a child.

  4. Jennifer G Prevost says:

    Yes, I have a son who loves vehicles of all kinds… planes, trains and automobiles 🤪… he would love this! My initial thoughts mirror Nadine’s… I felt like it was a story about grief with the title, if it’s about flying with him maybe include that somehow. Also, if it were broken up into shorter sentences, it would be easier to read. Good luck, it sounds super clever with an interesting perspective!

  5. Wendy says:

    Hi Shell! Based on your pitch, I’m wondering about the opportunities for illustration. I know this isn’t a pitch helping comment, and more of a plot comment but I wondered if perhaps Dylan could be playing with model airplanes instead of just day dreaming? Or pretending to be a plane himself, running around the house arms outstretched? Something so the whole book isn’t Dylan thinking/sleeping? I read something recently about a need for more “Daddy” books–so good luck with this one!
    Susanna, you crack me up! Perhaps you can’t sculpt but you have so many other renaissance woman talents.

  6. ptnozell says:

    Susanna, I see the connections between you & Michelangelo, including, perhaps, the most important one: love of Italian chocolate!
    Shell, I love the idea of a young boy dreaming of flights with Daddy, especially as I think the reality of dad as a pilot, nights away from the family, differs from most kids’ perception of that career. I agree with the others, though, that shorter sentences, some tweaks to the title & fewer references to dreaming will help your pitch soar. I look forward to reading your revised pitch & the story!

  7. Lauri Meyers says:

    Wow, you’ve got that pitch as a single log line which is impressive. It’s a bit of a mouthful though. Let yourself break it into three sentences to make it clearer to the reader.

  8. Genevieve Petrillo says:

    I’m not sure what a wingman is – except when a guy brings a buddy to the bar to break the ice – so I might call Dylan’s dream role “co-pilot” instead. I would definitely read this. Stalling bedtime is a great premise with lots of possibilities. You might want to mention a few in the pitch when you revise it. I agree with the earlier comment about splitting up the sentence into shorter sentences. Good luck.

  9. authorlaurablog says:

    The title and the pitch don’t feel aligned. I was expecting an absent father or a father in the military. If he’s a regular pilot, does the book focus on geography? I think that would be wonderful but I’m not really seeing that in your pitch.
    In my opinion, the “daydream” “nightdream” focus of your pitch sounds more like an adult. When I think of children playing, it’s “creative” or “imagination” (which both have a positive connotation) and if Dylan is playing with airplanes and imagining all the different places he can go with Daddy I think this would be great for illustrations but I’m not seeing that in your pitch.
    I would need to see a better pitch to say yes, but a book about a boy with a pilot father playing with an airplane and imagining all sorts of father-son adventures until mom “ends” things with bedtime could be fun. And of course we know when he goes to bed he dreams of all the creative play he lived during the day. I hope we get to see a revised pitch because I wonder what your book is really about.

  10. fspoesy says:

    This is a definite Would Read, Shell. That said, the title definitely threw me off. As others have mentioned it sounded like either a story about loss or possibly one about parental incarceration. Kind of funny how three words can evoke so much. Anyway, as far as the actual pitch goes, I was expecting the alliteration (Dylan’s day dream, flying fabulous) at the beginning to continue throughout the pitch. So if alliteration isn’t important to the story I would try to avoid it in the pitch. Also, there are some turns of phrase that took some work to process, such as “pilot Daddy”, “sleep dream” and “wingman of his dreams”. I’d work on cutting up the one long sentence into shorter statements. Maybe something like this:

    “Dylan dreams of flying planes with his dad, an airline pilot who can be away from home for days. When Mom’s call for bedtime interrupts his imaginary soaring, Dylan tries countless tricks to delay the inevitable. But once he is tucked into bed, and his eyelids finally close, his flights with Dad begin again.”

    Just an example, you’d know better what would work for the story. Best of luck, I think this idea has wings! 🙂

  11. matthewlasley says:

    I am a maybe on this. I see a lot of potential and marketability with this, but as already mentioned, the title threw me off. I have worked in childcare for over 25 years and it saddens me how many “Dads” are missing.
    Of course, that is the marketability.
    I would steer away from daydreaming since it is so close to bedtime. I would go with him starting to drift off and fighting to sleep because he wants to stay up and wait for dad.

  12. Katherine Adlam says:

    I think I might jump into comPs such as Maurice Sendak Where the Wild Things Are meets Bedtime For Frances by Russell Hoban.
    Then a very short summary of your hook.

  13. fannywrites says:

    Yes, do include at least one way Dylan stalls going to bed. This will resonate more with children than the wish of flying in the cockpit with Daddy. Also, the humor of how he tries tells the editor your voice. At this point, it’s a maybe.

  14. dedradavis03 says:

    I would love to read this pitch, but it has me wondering *where* is daddy? Is he st work flying, are they divorced, or did he pass away? Any who, I think I need to read it, right?

    Susanna, thank you so much for this opportunity. I’m so excited! Yay!!

  15. jeanjames926 says:

    Susanna who knew Michelangelo was such a prolific poet? I like the pitch today, but agree with the others on the title. It had me wondering if this was about divorce or death. I love the idea about a dad pilot, despite my fear of flying. I think the one long sentence pitch could be broken up and clarified. I like the idea of imagination, and play (“Oh Baby the Places You’ll Go!”), as Dylan is perhaps waiting up for his dad to finally get home. Best of luck to you Shell!

Leave a Reply to dedradavis03 Cancel reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s