So, darlings, here we are at Wednesday and it feels like a whole week and half has already been packed into the first couple days of this week!
Just one thing after another! Not bad (well, the flat tire and the leaky toilet I could have done without…!) – but busy!
I’ve got an unexpected deadline for… well… NOW! so no chitchat today! We’re getting right down to brass tacks!
And by “brass tacks” of course I mean Something Chocolate 🙂 How do you feel about Texas Sheet Cake Cookies? Melt in your mouth chocolate-y goodness that goes perfectly with your morning (or mid-morning, or noon time, or early, mid, or late afternoon, or evening or bedtime or midnight snack) cup of coffee, tea or milk!!! 🙂
Texas Sheet Cake Cookies
Recipe (including helpful video) HERE at Cookies And Cups
Delish! Have 2 or 6 more! 🙂
Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Maria. Maria Bostian began work with children as a Montessori teacher, but through a chance meeting found her dream job as a safety advocate with a local fire department. She’s been in the fire service for over 14 years and when she’s not in schools teaching fire and injury prevention, she hones her writing skills through participation in Julie Hedlund’s 12X12 Challenge, SCBWI Carolinas critique group sessions, and by networking with other passionate authors. She can be found shopping for an antique or inspirational find, traveling with her firefighter hubby, or with her keyboard sunning in her backyard You might even catch her bathing one of her four “purrfect” pals.
Find her on the web at
Facebook – @MJBostian
Twitter – @MariaMariaB71
Pinterest – K-Town Fire Girl
Blog – www.mariabostian.com
Here is her pitch:
Working Title: Klean Kitty Super Suds
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch:
Has your precious Leo ever gotten into a stinkysituation? Did Beau Diddley ever fall victim to a pole cat hazing? Was darling Nell caught playing with something that smelled worse than three cow pastures at high Noon?
Well, no worries, friends, ‘cause I’m Andi T. Vipperman and I’m here to help. With my Klean Kitty Super Sudsand easy-to-follow directions, you’ll be bathing your delightful feline like a pro. And once again, your loyal companion’s coat will be restored to silky softness and will smell just as sweet as Granny’s kitchen.
That’s right, ladies and gents; my Klean Kitty Super Sudsmakes bath time for your purrfect pal “easy as pie” and just as delicious.
Here, let me show you!
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Maria improve her pitch. Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above. There are openings in June, so you have a little time to polish your pitch before putting it up for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!
Maria is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch! I am looking forward to meeting that deadline so I can stop feeling panicky! 🙂
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 🙂
Susanna Leonard Hill 
Yes, I would read it. It sounds like a fun read. Vipperman intrigues me. Will he eat the cats? “easy as pie” and just as delicious. The pitch is 118 words, perhaps it could be shorter.
Oh, thank you! Glad you liked it. You’ll never believe how long I searched for a fun, Appalachian last name!
Hi Maria, I like the premise of your story, an entrepreneurial protagonist who has a knack for marketing and cat washing. While her or his voice comes through well in the pitch & I really like the old-timey feel, I’d like to know more about Andi – what problems does she (or he) overcome that the cat washing business solves. Or do the problems arise with the business itself? I’d suggest trimming the first paragraph to focus more on Andi & her problems, with a hint at the solution, for a “no worries”, “purrfect” pitch. I hope this helps!
Great idea. Thank you.
I certainly want to see the art! Your text sets the stage for ‘hilarity ensued,’ for sure. The initial pitch questions read more like PR elements than a story set up. The hazing reference seems rather less light-hearted than the rest (imho). Can you adjust the opening lines to show more about Andi’s problem(s) – mad cats? slow business? some other sort of rat? The easy-as-pie wordplay seems a non sequitur – or is pie part of the plot? If the latter, the pitch should set this up more clearly. Good energy, overall.
Love all of your sugesstions. Will look at it with a closer eye now.
Yes, I would read this! Sounds entertaining! I can hear the voice and tone of the MC as narrator and hear the drawl and the tone/setting of this story. Humor is sure to ensue. This sounds like an old-timey infomercial and loads of fun. I was concerned about eating the kitties at the end, with the delicious bit, though I’m sure that’s not what you meant – I hope… I thought the hazing part more in present time (and the connotations of college hazing), which pulled me from the pitch/story. Love the premise and the commercial voice for this fun product! I love cats, though I can’t imagine I would ever want to try and survive bathing them! Convince me to bathe my cats! Definitely great opportunities for illustrations! Best wishes!
You definitely captured your character’s voice. Upbeat, high tempo, snake oil salesman. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if this was a commercial or a pitch.
While it sounds fun, I have no clue what this story is really about. Is it an ad for Klean Kitty Super Suds? Is it a step by step on how to give a cat a bath? Is Andi T. Vipperman a good guy or is he selling snake oil (Vipperman?).
I think if I had been reading queries all day, I would pass after the opening paragraph because you only ask questions and it leads me nowhere.
The pitch gives me ideas and I am afraid that what is delivered would not live up to the hype, because the ideas are mine and not yours. Shorten up the pitch and give me details about the story.
Now, don’t dump this pitch……If you get a jacket for your book or need a book trailer script, this is great!
Hi Maria, sounds like you have fun and silly story. I agree with the others on what is your story about. Someone recently posted this to help focus their stories. Maybe it can help.
Hero wants more than anything GOAL but they can’t because OBSTACLE so they ACTION only to discover THEME.
Good luck and looking forward to seeing what your story is about.
Hi Ashley,
Thanks for sharing your tip. It helped in my revision.
Your pitch reads like an infomercial which is quite entertaining. You’ve broken the “no rhetorical questions rule” and I think it works! I am a little confused by the name Andi T. Vipperman – is your protagonist a snake? Are they going to eat the cat, put the cat in a pie? I assume it has a happy ending for the cats and if so, I would read it. One other comment – a pet peeve (pun intended) of mine is misspellings like Klean because as a teacher it makes me cringe. Clean Cat is my suggestion for that.
Hi there, Laura! Thanks for making comments. I laughed aloud about the snake. I had actually written it with another name in mind and changed it after studying dozens of last names. Was really just going for something rather unusual. No snakes here, and no “cat”astrophies either. Just an angry kitty in some apple-scented bath soap.
Thanks for the ideas for the title, also.
I’m afraid I’m at most a maybe on this because all it sounds like is one of those late night pitches for products that never work as well as they’re advertised. What’s the story? Where’s the conflict? Who’s the protagonist? This old brain it doesn’t quite get it. I agree with Ashley’s suggestion above for rewriting to make the pitch clearer.
Thanks for your comments and your questions. I’ve revised the pitch. Hope it is a little clearer now.
Hi Maria. If I were an agent or an editor, I might pass on this story based on the pitch. The first paragraph is mostly questions and it doesn’t capture what the story is about. Using questions in a pitch is often frowned upon. And the pitch should only be one concise paragraph, not 3.
The pitch formula that Ashley posted should help fine-tune this for you.
Keep at it! You have everything you need for a pitch, just comb through what you have to pull out the essentials.
Hi Nadine,
Thanks for the thoughts. I realize now it is way to long and will be revising.