Would You Read It Wednesday #344 – Lilly’s Get A Great Night Sleep Book: Trust Me! It Works! (PB)

So guess what?  It’s National Cookie Day!

Therefore I believe it is our duty to jump straight to Something Chocolate without a moment’s delay!

Today we’re going super healthy with vegan cookies.  For those of you who may not know, vegan is a word that means “made out of air” because that is all that is left to make things out of when you take out wheat, eggs, milk, butter, and all the other usual ingredients involved in baking – hence, super healthy! 🙂

Vegan Chocolate Crinkle Cookies

chocolate-crinkle-cookies

Recipe HERE at Baked By Clo

 

Mmmm! There’s nothing like confectioners sugar to melt on your tongue – like snow but sweeter 🙂

Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Sarah whose mother shared a special bedtime wish, and Sarah didn’t realize until she was older, that everyone’s bedtime wish wasn’t the same. While her vivid imagination prevents her from always getting a great night’s sleep, she also uses it to hear her mother send her off to sleep. Sarah is an active member of SCBWI, 12 x 12, and Storyteller Academy.

Find her on the web at

Twitter: @peacefulheart63
Instagram: sarahpeaceandsmile

 

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Lilly’s Get A Great Night Sleep Book: Trust Me! It Works!

Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)

The Pitch: Lilly had a hard time sleeping. Maybe it was all the TV, the lack of bedtime snacks, or her wild imagination, but she finally figured out the (sort-of) perfect pre-sleep routine. Now she wants YOU to get a great night sleep too! In her made-for-TV style, Lilly shares her seven step method including bedtime buddies and a just right way to say good night.

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Sarah improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above.  There are openings in February, so you have time to polish your pitch before putting it up for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!

Sarah is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to my upcoming school visits!  I need to put on my Santa hat and think up some fun things to do with DEAR SANTA and MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET!  Feel free to suggest any ideas you have in the comments – I am always open to helpful suggestions!!! 🙂

Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 🙂

 

14 thoughts on “Would You Read It Wednesday #344 – Lilly’s Get A Great Night Sleep Book: Trust Me! It Works! (PB)

  1. Lauri Meyers says:

    Good luck with your holiday visits Susanna!
    As I am bleary eyed after my 9 year old waking up again in the middle of the night, I am intrigued by the story premise. Sarah, are you a psychologist or sleep therapist or something that gives it that nonfiction credibility, or is this more of a fun story ?

    • Sarah Tobias says:

      Hi Lauri,

      I am not a psychologist, and this is meant to be a fun story. All of the steps do come from a variety of articles on the topic of getting a good night’s sleep. Lilly is a pretty unreliable narrator, but she cares about her audience and really wants to help.

  2. hermanator33 says:

    Happy Holiday Visits! I’m using this week and WYRI to kick start my “Get your butt back in writing gear!” Maybe I’ll have a pitch ready for 2020.
    This pitch sounds interesting to me, and feels just right to get an agent bite. I am wondering about the snack line. Something about that sentence feels “off” to me. Maybe the hard “k” in lack. Maybe the tone of the word lack? Does this make sense?

  3. artmanlibrary says:

    Happy National Cookie Day! Suzanne, enjoy your holiday visits! This pitch caught my attention. Any fun way to help kids get a good night sleep gets my vote. I’m a teacher and too many kids come to school tired. I love the made-for-TV style and a step method approach always grabs readers’ attention! Seems like a great read for kids AND adults. 🙂 Good Luck, Sarah.

  4. Katie Engen says:

    Healthy sleep habits = fresh twist on kidlit bedtime books (and timely re the general culture). Nice conversational and engaging tone. Is that what you mean by ‘made-for-tv’ style? Is this informative fiction/non-fiction-ish or a more traditional PB? If the latter, then more tension (what’s Lilly risking/losing) is needed in the pitch. If the former, then I’m guessing your query will note the specific category. Is your mom’s special bedtime wish/alternative bedtime from your childhood part of Lilly’s story? If so, please add a hint of that in the pitch. If not, please write a story with those elements, too (I want to know what and how that wish is/was deployed).

    • Sarah Tobias says:

      Thank you. It is definitely fiction with an unreliable narrator. The get ready for bed ideas all come from literature on helping a child get a good night sleep. I will think about the tension part.

  5. Deborah Clayton says:

    As a mom of a six year old who struggles with bedtime, I want to read this! I think you are providing just enough mystery and intrigue to get interest from agents and editors. I agree with Hermanator33 that the the snack line needs to be adjusted a bit. And also, I think that the “(sort of)” part should be taken out because it breaks up the flow of the sentence.

    Best of luck!

    • Sarah Tobias says:

      Thank you! I think you and your six year old will get a kick out of the story. I was the kid who would sneak out of bed and lie on the hallway floor to listen in to my parents’ conversations and party guests. There was a spot where I could see people if they passed between the living room and kitchen. I think my parents just decided it wasn’t worth worry about my lack of sleep since I was always able to get up and get going the next day.

      I will work on the sort of part. I need to make sure it’s clear Lilly is an unreliable narrator and while her plan is solid, things don’t go exactly to that plan.

  6. matthewlasley says:

    Good morning Sarah. I think your pitch is overall written well and the topic is engaging, but I am a maybe. I can see a place in the market for this if it is humorous, but I am not sure that I get this from the pitch.

    I agree that the opening sentence is too long and clunky.
    The phrase “In her made-for-TV style” pulled me out because I think I know what you are saying, but at the same time it doesn’t make sense. could you add the word “pitch” to make it clearer? Is that the right word?
    I am unclear of the voice of the story (or the author) so I don’t know where this is going. Does Lilly engage the audience making this story meta-like? Why should I listen to this kid?

    I think your concept is good enough to get an agent or editor to take a look, but I am not sure if it is enough to set the hook.

  7. Sarah Tobias says:

    Thank you Matthew. Great advice. Yes, it is Meta and Lilly is talking to he audience. I hope it’s funny and definitely want that to come across in the pitch.

  8. Judy Sobanski (@jkspburg) says:

    Hi Sarah. I think your pitch has a great new angle for a bedtime story! I agree with some of the other comments that the “made-for-TV style” threw me off, too. Maybe infomercial style?? Or expert, how-to style? I feel like the humor or the “not perfect” part of Lilly’s bedtime routine gets a little lost in the middle of the pitch. Perhaps putting something in that last line about the routine not being full-proof or hint at what happens that makes it go awry so the humor is very apparent. But I think this premise would get the attention of an agent or editor. Best of luck!

  9. heavenlyhashformoms says:

    Hi! Pitch sounds good! I think you have some good feedback, so not much I can add to that, but it sounds like a great idea!
    Susanna, my daughter came home from the book store with your Miracle on 34th Street book! I was so excited to see it!
    A couple ideas for your book store visits:
    1). Both books have Santa letters. Maybe make a silly mad lib Santa letter where kids fill in the empty blanks to make a ridiculous letter.
    2). Make Macy Day parade floats (balloons) out of balloons, sticks, markers, and materials for ears, etc. (example: tape little ears and a spiral tail to a pink balloon and draw a pig face). My daughter did this at school and loved it—they turned out really cute.

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