Would You Read It Wednesday #347 – The Dark Bigness (PB)

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I like to procrastinate legitimately use my time to experiment with taking my writing to new places 🙂

On days when the words are slow in coming, I wander outside (weather permitting) or around the internet (too cold or wet for outside) looking for inspiration.  And sometimes I find it in unlikely places that are unexpectedly entertaining.

Yesterday I discovered a site that will write poetry for you! (I kid you not!)

With a few simple word choices by moi, it wrote this poem: (I added a little visual extra to make it even more stunning!)

 

Sunshine

sun-47083_1280

Sun dances serenade.

Unknown delights treat.

New enthusiasms hurray.

Such delights treat.

Hidden longings want.

Infectious laughs guffaw.

Night dews exhilarate.

Endless delights elate.

 

 

Now I ask you: is that poetry or what?

(The correct answer is or what! 🙂 But it was still fun 🙂 Luckily I don’t think the poem generator is going to put any of us out of our writing careers just yet 🙂 )

If you want to play around with it and possibly inspire yourself  – because who knows what heights of literary genius your generated poem could spur you to – check it out:

https://www.poem-generator.org.uk/

Have fun!  At the very least it’s good for a laugh 🙂  Share your poems in the comments if you like – you can entertain and inspire us all!

I think all that poeticizing calls for a little Something Chocolate (because we could all use something to help us recover from that “poetry” . . . 🙂 )  Today, we shall have something sunshiny (sunshiny because it is made out of bananas which are yellow as is sunshine – see how I made that seem logical? 🙂 )  I recommend a liberal hand with the chocolate chips (or chocolate chunks if you really want to do it up right) because, well, that’s the whole point of Something Chocolate, wouldn’t you say?!

Banana Bread Chocolate Chip Cookies

 

I know sometimes you question my classification of Something Chocolate as breakfast, but there can be no denying that this delicious treat definitely qualifies!  Bananas (fruit) + oatmeal (cholesterol-lowering gluten-free whole grain) + chocolate (a vegetable as we all know because it’s a bean) = healthy breakfast!  You can’t argue with math!  🙂

Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Sarah who you know very well by now! 😊  Sarah says, “I am an Optometrist, mother, and lover of the outdoors. I live in NH with my husband and two children. I love to paint in my free time, when I’m not writing.”

Find her on the web at www.sarahheturadny.com

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: The Dark Bigness

Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 5-8)

The Pitch: Theo watches colors swirl like music sounds across his eyelids. But he knows it’s coming….the Bigness—shifty shadows and branches like witch’s fingers—and his Monster. If Theo is to fall asleep, he must conquer what his imagination conjures in the endless darkness behind his closed eyes. Otherwise, he’ll be trapped in The Bigness forever!

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Sarah improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above.  There are openings in March, and March is not that far away! so you could get your pitch up pretty soon for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!

Sarah is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to the brand new picture book I feel sure I will write today about ☀️☀️☀️ SUNSHINE!!! ☀️☀️☀️ (although the jury is still out on whether or not it will involve “poetry” 🙂 )

Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 🙂

 

26 thoughts on “Would You Read It Wednesday #347 – The Dark Bigness (PB)

  1. Writer on the run says:

    I would read it because I think night fears are something every child grapples with at some point. I would tighten up the pitch, though. The first sentence is very poetic but probably not necessary.
    “Theo fears the Bigness is coming with its shifty shadows and branches like witches fingers, and his Monster will surely follow. If he is to fall asleep, Theo must conquer his nighttime imagination.”
    Just a suggestion.

    • Sarah Hetu-Radny says:

      Thank you, Writer on the Run. Yes, I agree it is wordy. It is difficult to convey the poetic language of the text in the pitch; which is something I obviously struggled with. Thanks for your suggestions!

  2. Susan.drew (@_susandrew) says:

    I would read it. Sounds a little scary, which some kids like, and a little magical. I’d read it just to see what happens too. I’m not sure how to change the pitch, though. I like the Writer on the Run suggestion above, but it is less poetic.

    • Sarah Hetu-Radny says:

      Susan!!! My friend from the next town over!!! I will send it to you to read!!! Or wait, have I already done that?! I think I did, I can’t remember!! Thank you for commenting on my pitch! I can’t wait until our next meeting!!! ~Sarah~

    • Sarah Hetu-Radny says:

      Thanks, Laurie! It took a surprising amount of WORK to get my voice from the MS into the pitch. With such glowing words, what can I say but PM me and I’ll share it with you! 🙂

  3. rosecappelli says:

    Yes, I would read this. I think lots of kids can relate to nighttime fears. Your pitch suggests that the book is lyrical, so if it is, I think you should try to keep that feel. But I do agree that it is a little wordy and maybe even a little too scary for some kids. Maybe something like:
    Theo watches colors swirl like music across his eyelids. But he fears the shifty shadows and branches like witch’s fingers of the Bigness. If Theo is to fall asleep, he must conquer his imagination and the darkness behind his closed eyes.
    Good luck!

  4. sjwmeade says:

    Yes, I would read it. The word choices intrigued me, particularly “shifty shadows,” “his imagination conjures,” and “endless darkness.” My three-year-old likes to read books that are a little “spooky,” so I think he’d want to read this one as well. Good luck, Sarah!

    Susanna, I tried the poem generator:
    A Lass Called Suzy
    A Limerick by sjw
    There once was a lass who liked reading.
    She said, “See the lovely pleading!”
    It was rather second,
    But not nanosecond,
    And she couldn’t resist the misleading.

    Huh is what I thought upon reading it.

    • Sarah Hetu-Radny says:

      haha, that’s a funny poem generator! Thanks SJW for your comments. When (hopefully!) it’s published and your three-year-old is older, hopefully he’ll still want to take a look for ol’ times sake! haha

  5. ptnozell says:

    Sarah, I like the idea of a story about a child overcoming bedtime fears. I’m presuming Bigness = Darkness? Does it only appear when his eyes are closed, or is it the shadows he sees in his room? I like the imagery & lyricism of the first sentence, but agree that it may be better to get to the problem right away, unless you’re thinking the music is like that which foreshadows danger in a movie or television show. Maybe something like this might work (if it fits the story): As colors swirl like music across his eyelids, Theo dreads Its coming…the Bigness… and then go on from there.

    Susanna, I can see where this poem-generating site could be rather addictive, although when it changes beach to foreshore, I’m for sure convinced that it won’t put even this amateur poet out of business! Thanks for sharing & enjoy the frosty sunshine!

    Pup – A Haiku
    by TOPmum

    White windswept foreshore
    A wiggly pup sneezes
    watching the pebble

    • Sarah Hetu-Radny says:

      haha, another funny poem generator result. Thanks PJ for your suggestions, I will definitely take them into consideration!

  6. palpbkids says:

    Hi Sarah,
    Your first sentence is a grabber! Way to go!
    In order to continue to grab the agent’s or editor’s attention you need to keep capturing the spirit of the story through showing and not telling. The nightmare theme has been done countless times and you need to show why your story stands out. Telling is vague. You have the stellar wording to show, so keep using them.
    I don’t know enough about your wording to offer a full pitch. But here’s a bare bones suggestion, though incomplete:
    Theo wants to watch the colors swirl like music sounds across his eyelids, but he can’t because he knows the Night Monster is coming. But when those shifty shadows unleash his scary imagination, he (add Theo’s voice here) to (make it better).
    Hope this helps, PALPBKIDS

    • Sarah Hetu-Radny says:

      Great suggestion, and YES telling is a ‘crime’ I so often commit and overlook. Thanks for picking up on that! I will definitely take your suggestions into consideration, thank you PALPBKIDS!

  7. Sarah Tobias says:

    I am a Maybe. Theo feels like the kid who is most likely to tell really good scary stories at sleepovers with that imagination.

    However, I feel like the pitch is too scary for a bedtime book.

    “The Bigness” opens a door to the sleeping word I had never thought of before. My mind goes to stories by Edgar Allen Poe, scary stories told at sleepovers and at Halloween.

    If this is a story about dealing with a bedtime fear, I would like a little hint that allows the reader to feel like all will end well, or that Theo has or will take control.

    Lemony Snicket’s The Dark came to mind as I read your pitch. I read the pitch for it to see what draws a person in. The pitch text is simple and even though he personifies dark, I know what Dark is.

    I feel like I need to have a sense that Theo will gain control and/or an understanding of “The Bigness” to change my maybe to a yes.

    • Sarah Hetu-Radny says:

      hahaha or should I say ooooWAhahaha!? It is a somewhat scary story and *truth* only my husband, my mentor, and I like it! I probably should hint at Theo’s strength and power in the end… can’t scare the kids TOO much, right?! Thanks!

  8. matthewlasley says:

    I am a yes.

    The pitch is well written. I can see and hear your voice as well as Theo’s. I get what is happening, but uncertain of the outcome and want more.
    It does sound scary, but that is good, because the fear that Theo has is palpable. I have a hero, even if it is in his own mind, who I can connect with a cheer for…..and feel afraid with.

    Sorry, I am not giving you much criticism, but I think this is one of the best pitches I have seen on here in quite some time.

    • Sarah Hetu-Radny says:

      HA! Wow! Thanks! I’ll print this comment out and put it on my “Encouragement” board (haha, I don’t have one of those yet, but will create one special!) and read it whenever I get another silly form rejection.

  9. Katie Engen says:

    I kept flipping it to The Big Darkness, though I suppose your choice is more thought-provoking. I’d like a bit more detail in how he wrestles with/resolves this universal problem. Certainly a unique set of ideas would be nice!

  10. Luann Gilligan-Gay says:

    I would read it because I think lots of kids have trouble going to sleep and would love to have an imaginary friend help them use their imaginations to calm themselves enough to let sleep take over. I would probably read it anyway because I caught a taste of some fun sounds and words.

  11. palpbkids says:

    I’m so happy that you enjoyed my comments. I always worry that I may overstep.
    So glad to have been of some help:) I can’t wait to see this story in publication!
    Cheers, PALPBKIDS

  12. brittanypomales says:

    Yes, you had me at shifty shadows. The language makes me think that the story will have language equally as fun. And how the language is used to describe the bigness.

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