So, it looks like Wednesday!
Is everybody ready for Halloweensie?
It’s only 2 days away!
Have you written your entry?
Revised and edited and polished and proofread and revised and edited and polished and proofread and revised and edited and polished and proofread. . . ? yeah, I know how it is 😊
I did it on this little sample for you and I bet you can’t even tell! It probably looks like I spouted it right off the top of my head. (Okay, maybe I did. But if I’d had time I would have revised and edited and polished and proofread and it might of ended up being worth reading 😊)
Pomeline‘s Halloween (100 words)
Pomeline had a problem.
Her glow-in-the-dark grin gave her goosebumps.
Jeepers creepers! She scared her pumpkin self!
If only she hadn’t eaten all those goodies!
Tootsies and toffees and sticky-sticky caramels!
What had she been thinking?
Now her gappy three-toothed grin was truly terrifying!
Pomeline’s teeth needed protection before she ended up with a gappy one-toothed grin. . . or WORSE!
She sucked up an orange quarter, swallowed the fruit, and pressed the peel against her smiling lips.
Presto!
Protected teeth and no more glow-in-the-dark smile!
Pomeline would have patted herself on the back, but she was short on arms.
I think we can agree that we all need Something Chocolate after that! 😊🎃🎃🎃
How about a plethora of Fun Halloween Treats?!
Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Melissa who says, “I have spent the last 15 years living in Tanzania as an English teacher, a journalist and then as a wife, mum and storyteller.”
Find her on the web at Twitter: @MelissaKValente
Here is her pitch:
Working Title: The Pied Piper Of Grannies
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch: THE PIED PIPER OF GRANNIES: Malakai thinks he wants a granny, but when he pied-pipers a crazy conga line of grannies home using his enchanted harmonica he discovers he still feels lonely and now he has to face the town’s grandkids!
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Melissa improve her pitch. Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above. There are openings in January, so you could get your pitch up pretty soon for/[so you have time to polish your pitch before putting it up] for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!
Melissa is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch! I am looking forward to HALLOWEENSIE!!!!!!! (Rules on that link if you haven’t written yours yet and need the guidelines!)
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 😊
Susanna Leonard Hill 
Sounds like a wonderful story. I am already imagining the line of high-kicking grannies! 🙂 My suggestions for the pitch would be –
Malakai thinks he wants a grandmother, but when he uses his enchanted harmonica pied piper style and conjurs up a crazy conga line of grannies, he realises he still feels lonely, and now he has to explain to the town’s grandkids!
Thanks Nikki, this is really great! Feels much punchier and more dynamic.
I commented earlier Nikki, but it doesn’t seem to be showing up, so just in case – thank you for the suggestion, it definitely makes it more punchy and fun sounding. Super helpful 🙂
Yes, the title intrigued me and then the pitch intrigued me more. I am just not sure how it gets resolved but I am sure that will come out the story. Would love to read it.
Hi Nicola, I understood that I wasn’t meant to reveal how the situation is resolved in the pitch – do you think I should? So glad title and contents intrigued you 🙂
Love the Halloweensie entry, Susanna, and all of the holiday treats!
Melissa, your pitch intrigues me & I think the illustrations will be hilarious, but I want to know more. Is Malakai a lonely child who envies the other kids with grandmothers? Maybe if you insert an adjective or two to describe Malakai that could help. I’d also like a bit more information about the harmonica: is this the first usage, and does Malakai not understand its powers & overdo it? I think if you can add more context, I’ll be joining that conga line to a Yes!
Off to revise and polish and proofread – Friday will be here before we know it!
Hi. Yes, all these questions are resolved in the story – I will see what else I can work into the pitch line though. Thanks so much for taking time to comment. Happy writing.
I would read your book, Melissa, because I’m partial to grannies and because I think it’s hilarious to picture a conga line of them. I agree with PTNOZELL. I’d like to know a little bit more about Malakai and why he so desperately wants a grannie. Good luck with this.
Thanks Jan 🙂 Right, getting on it!
Love the magic harmonica – or Kazoo? Or recorder? How old is the protagonist? Why did he not get a granny? Why does he want one? The great conga line is a 1 page spread – what comes before an after. Good story!
Thanks Robin. In fact, we build to a conga line but there is plenty of crazy action before and after. I might look at how to add in that his Gran has actually skipped town to hit the road with her band!
Melissa, I like the premise of your story. A few more details would help. Why doesn’t Malakai have a granny? Also, having all the grannies he could want, it doesn’t seem to fill that void. He has to deal with the grandkids but that doesn’t seem to be the real issue. What exactly is it that he’s longing for? A hint at that might be a great hook! Best of luck!
OK, thanks Judy – quite right, what he’s really after is a friend – which, of course, he finds along the way 🙂 OK I am gathering key ingredients for a re-write!
Oh gosh yes I would read this! I absolutely love the premise of this story and the idea that it’s a re-imagining of an old tale. I love stories that put a new twist on an old tale and I especially love when the tale hasn’t been retold a lot.
I think establishing why Malakai needs/wants a granny at the beginning would make the pitch stronger and also establish his feelings of loneliness right away. How does he expect having a granny will fix this? Also, a hint of how the problem is resolved might add intrigue at the end of the pitch.
Thank you for sharing and best of luck! 🙂
Thanks so much for your lovely enthusiasm. I am excited to rework this pitch using all the brilliant feedback. All the things you mention are in the story, but squeezing them into one sentence – eek!
Wow…this really got my attention! I haven’t heard of another book like this! I would read it!
I guess I’m a little stumped by the ending of your pitch…how does facing the town’s grandkids fit into this loneliness? Maybe a two-sentence pitch line might be a little more clear and give a peek into a possible resolution.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Karen. So glad it caught your eye. But I now completely see what you mean about the second part – am conjuring new words as I type! So grateful for your insight.
I am an enthusiastic YES. I’m assuming the inciting incident for Malakai wanting a grandma is that his has moved away or something like that. I think you need to include the inciting incident in your pitch. I love the idea of him bringing all the grandmas home and then having to give them back in the course of the story.
Thanks for you lovely enthusiastic yes Laura! You guessed correctly re Gran moving away (she’s in a pop band!) but I will now try to find a way to work that in 🙂
When Gran hits the road with her band, Malakai grabs his harmonica …
The title intrigued me. I loved the magical harmonica music to gather Grannies. Then, oh no, how is he going to explain missing grannies to the other kids? I wondered, where is Malakai’s grannie? Does she live far away? Yes, I would read it!
Thank you, brilliant clarity and I am definitely seeing a theme in these feedback comments! So helpful.
Hooray for Halloweensie and Pomeline! Way to get us primed for the big day, Susanna!
Yes, Melissa, I’d read this. It sounds like a fun retelling of the Pied Piper story. The conga line and the grannies are great hooks.
I do feel the last part of your pitch needs clarifying. “And now he has to face the town’s grandkids.” Can’t quite decide what it is you’re trying to convey here. Can you be more specific, so we understand how this relates to the MC’s problem?
Best of luck with your story.
Thanks Marty, you are not the first to say this (which makes it even more helpful – I always find the comments that repeat are gold and must be acted upon!). Thanks so much for taking time to comment.
This sounds like a wonderful story!
I feel you are trying to convey the story in as few words as possible, which is very commendable. But, you just aren’t quite getting the whole plot across. Consider writing an outline of your story and then use that to write the pitch. I sure hope all the comments here will help you:) Best wishes.
ooh that’s an interesting approach. Will certainly give it a go. Thank you 🙂
Love the “Pied Piper connection! Yes I would read it! It is great that we attempt to use as few words as possible to convey the pitch. I would try to add a bit more to the ending though, in order to provide a better insight to the MC’s dilemma! Great job!
PS Susanna, love Pomeline! 🙂
Looking forward to Halloweensie’s submission day…Still need to make a few revisions!!!
Thank you – yes, I am definitely going to add a few details.
That’s a yes from me. I am hooked to know what comes next. I think overall it’s solid and I like how you used specifics to make it stand out.
I do agree with Kizzi that knowing the stakes or a hint of the resolution could brighten up the ending even more.
Thanks so much Katie, so grateful for all the brilliant feedback. It’s all brought so much more clarity for my specific pitch.
Yes, I would read it. I can just see all the visuals of the different grannies by the illustrator. It is unique and you could incorporate the loss of the grannies of the town kids with the theme of you don’t know what you have until it’s lost; don’t take anything for granted. Good luck!
ooh, interesting! Right now it builds around finding your voice and making friends but this is worth thinking about for sure. I so want this book to be made – just so I can see what an illustrator comes up with! Would be so fun.
I’d read it based on the title alone but to really sell me on it, the pitch needs some polish, particularly at the end, as others have noted. Good luck with this one!