Hi there, everyone!
Wow! It seems like forever since we had a Would You Read It! It’s really only been a couple weeks, but Halloweensie kind of takes over the world đ
Somehow we’re halfway through November! – how did THAT happen?! – and just 8 days away from Thanksgiving. I am cooking and have barely given it a thought and still don’t know exactly how many I’m cooking for. But you know me. I’m a daredevil. Live life on the edge – that’s me! Leave it to the last minute! That’s my motto đ
Oh, no, wait. My motto is EAT CHOCOLATE CAKE!
Right now!
Let’s have Something Chocolate!
Since today is our pitcher’s birthday (Happy Birthday, Deborah!!! đđđđ) I feel pretty sure we can’t go wrong with 24 layers of chocolatey goodness! Grab a fork(lift!) and dig in!
24 Layer Chocolate Cake
YUM! And since we’re celebrating a birthday, help yourselves to seconds and thirds!
Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from birthday girl Deborah. Deborah Foster is a mother, an architectural drafter, and a fantastic cook. She is a member of 12Ă12, Inked Voices, and SCBWI. She is always looking for more writing friends on Twitter. Follow her @DeborahClaytonF or check out her blog at www.deborahfosterbooks.com.
Here is her pitch:
Working Title: Welcome To The Word Factory
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch: Come along on a tour of The Word Factory and listen as EP (exclamation point) explains how words are discovered, spelled, and defined. Despite the repeated interruptions from Oxford, EP is unaware of the growing problem until the tour arrives at the lunchroom where they find a messed up menu and hangry punctuation marks. Thankfully, EP knows the perfect punctuation needed, “Oh Oxford!”
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. Â If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Deborah improve her pitch. Â Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. Â (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. Â I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! Â For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above. Â There are openings in January, so you have a little time to polish your pitch before putting it up for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!
Deborah is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch! Â I am looking forward to cleaning my house!
No. You’re right. That is a total falsehood!
How about this? I am looking forward to my house being clean!
That is completely true. I just wish Violet would do the cleaning. But she is busy with other things đ
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! đ
Susanna Leonard Hill 
Well, I love words about as much as I love chocolate, so the title alone had me intrigued and I would read the story. I am hoping the story is quite funny and if that’s the case, it might be helpful, Deborah, if your pitch matches the tone of the story a bit more, ie perhaps has a bit more of a hint of the mayhem or the humour in it. Or consider framing the pitch as an example of the way words work could reinforce the scenario.
Taking a stab at the central line, perhaps try something like, “Despite Oxford’s repeated efforts to communicate with him, EP is unaware of the punctuation pickle occurring at the plant until the tour arrives at the lunchroom and they find a messed up menu and hangry punctuation marks.”
Good luck with this story – sounds fantabulous!
Thank you, Jamie! I think your suggestion is perfect!
Thank you so much for your very thoughtful comments for Deborah, Jamie! Pitch rewording is always so helpful!
Too much chocolate for me đ
There is no such thing! đđđ
I prefer my chocolate cake to have vanilla icing
As for the pitch Maybe ? The last line doesn’t grab me. I tried to imagine reading this as a 4 year old and I don’t think a 4 year old would comprehend the tone or delivery of that line.
Thank you so much for your input, Matt – very helpful for Deborah!
Maybe – I love and recognize Oxford, but I live in that rarified Writer World where he MATTERS! Not sure many ages 4-8 do. The concept of a mixed up word factory is super! The characters, though, seem to be more punctual (rum shot!) than vocabulary. Good luck with this – it has great potential!
Thank you so much for sharing your impressions and reactions with Deborah, Robin!
Regarding that cake Susanna, OMG! I have a friend that would love it. By the way, Deborah, Happy Birthday. I believe that students learn to recognize and use common punctuation marks in grades 2 and 3. I may be mistaken. Therefore, perhaps the age range should be between 7 to 9 IMO. I would read it. It sounds like a fun and humorous story. I think Jamie Donahoe nailed the center line. Well done Deborah!
Thank you, Eleanor! I thought this would be a fun story to introduce the oxford comma to kids.
It’s a good idea. I believe it hasn’t been done before.
When we were kids, Eleanor, my mom used to order what was called a Chocolate Torte from Harry and David for Christmas. It was SO DELICIOUS and looked exactly like this! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with Deborah – very helpful!
I’ll try it then, thanks! All of your chocolate recipes are inviting. Happy I could help Deborah somehow.
Hi Deborah! Happy birthday! I would read this, but I agree with Jamie that the pitch could provide more clues to the problem. Maybe something along the lines of:
EP (exclamation point) explains how words are discovered, spelled, and defined during a Word Factory tour. But Oxfordâs repeated interruptions threaten to cause a problem, when the tour arrives at the lunchroom to find a messed-up menu featuring (GIVE A FEW EXAMPLES HERE) and hangry punctuation marks. Thankfully, EP knows the perfect punctuation needed, âOh Oxford!â
I hope these suggestions help as you reframe the pitch for what looks to be a super funny story!
Susanna, I think more chocolate on the menu will solve your Thanksgiving cooking dilemma!
Thank you, Patricia!
Thank you for your helpful thoughts for Deborah, Patricia! And yes, you are right. More chocolate is ALWAYS the answer! đ¤Ł
Happy birthday to you!!
I agree with both remarks above. That said, the premise of the story sounds so good!
Thanks for chiming in for Deborah!
Happy Birthday Deb!!!
I agree with Patricia. Adding a little insight into what kind of mayhem awaits in the lunchroom is the type of detail that will pull your readers in. Also, since the title is about The Word Factory, I am anticipating that there’s going to be lots of mixed-up words instead of confused punctuation. Did the the hamburgers turn into blanddurbers or ham burgers or clam herders?
I would totally read this. It is so fun and the premise is great! Happy birthday Deb!!!
Thank you, Eileen!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with Deborah, Eileen!
Given that there was an entire lawsuit about a missing oxford comma, this sounds fun! I can see a mixed up menu at the punctuation cafe, maybe: hamburger, french fries, pickles and milk. (I would be very hangry about that!)
That is exactly the premise! (though different foods)
Sounds like so much fun!
I think you have a great premise here, but I had to read the pitch several times before I could start imagining it. I think it would help to reword that first sentence to be a little more attention grabbing. When I first read it I almost thought the story would be more informational and serious rather than funny. Great potential! Good luck!
Thank you Rose!
Thank you for sharing your reaction, Rose – always so helpful to see how something strikes someone reading for the first time!
I love the cake and the pitch! I do wonder if the pitch is aimed a little high? The audience for most picture books wonât understand a coma, let alone the Oxford Comma joke. HOWEVER, if the story manages to entertain and perhaps enlighten despite that, this could be a winner with fun for both the reader and listeners! I say keep working on it, the premise is full of fun!
Help yourself to cake, Ingrid – as we all know, birthday cake has no calories and is 100% healthy! đ And thanks for your thoughts for Deborah!
Love the premise of the story..almost as much as chocolate!!
A few tweaks as mentioned above and I think it could be a fun story! đ
Thanks for your thoughts for Deborah, Susan! And please, have an extra slice of cake! đ
Happy Birthday Deborah! And Susanna – that cake looks delicious!
I would read your story and I would suggest to perhaps simplify your pitch as follows –
EP (!) takes us on a tour of the Word Factory and explains how words are discovered, spelled, and defined. Oxford Dictionary interrupts often (maybe an example here) and EP is unaware of the growing problem until they find a messed up menu and hangry punctuation marks at the lunchroom. Insert more examples here
Good luck with this. Can’t wait to read!