Would You Read It Wednesday #222 – Fear On The Mountain (MG)

Happy Wednesday, my friends!

How’s your summer going?  I hope you’re all enjoying July immensely!

I don’t get out much 🙂 but last weekend I did something wild and crazy.  I went to see Jim Gaffigan (the comedian) in real life.  It was so much fun!  He is hysterical!

As a writer, it is always interesting to me to see other expressions of creativity.  I love getting an insight into the creative process of musicians, artists, and yes – comedians.  We all deliver our thoughts in different ways, but we all aim to connect others and connect with others.  Whether you’re writing a story, singing a song, painting a picture, or standing on a stage making people laugh, you’re accomplishing the same thing: helping people articulate their reality and encouraging and supporting them by helping them see they’re never alone in their experience.  If you’re experiencing something in your life – good or bad – chances are extremely high that lots of other people have been in the same situation and know exactly how it feels.  It’s very comforting 🙂

Comedy is particularly appealing because not only does it let us know our experience is shared, it lets us laugh at it 🙂

It’s a good thing to keep in mind while you’re writing!

Now then, how about Something Chocolate?  That is always a good idea and always a worthwhile experience to share 🙂  Since it’s so hot and all, I’m thinking Something Chocolate and Something Ice Cream would hit the spot…

Cookies And Cream Ice Cream Cake

Oreo Ice Cream Cake…  It’s what’s for breakfast.  And that’s no joke! 🙂

Now that we are properly fortified, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Robyn.  Robyn Campbell writes poetry, picture books and middle-grade from her farm on a mountain in North Carolina. She loves writing funny, and adventure and she speaks as a kid.

Find her on the web at:

 

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Fear On The Mountain

Age/Genre: MG

The Pitch: Thirteen-year-old Anna doesn’t plan on getting lost. Or ending up surrounded by darkness in the Blue Ridge Mountains minus her insulin bottle. But that’s what happens.

She just wants to ride the mountain with Claire and their horses, have a picnic, and go home to the ranch. But what she gets is a lesson in survival if she can outlast the wild animals and high blood sugars. And it’s all due to Claire’s carelessness. How will Anna get them back home when she doesn’t know which way home is?

 

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Robyn improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

 

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read It in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above.  There are openings in October, so you have a little time to polish your pitch before putting it up for helpful feedback and have a chance to have it read by editor Erin Molta!

Robyn is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to my sister coming back in a few days for another couple of weeks – one of the best things about summer! 🙂

Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 🙂

 

19 thoughts on “Would You Read It Wednesday #222 – Fear On The Mountain (MG)

  1. Genevieve Petrillo says:

    I would DEFINITELY read this. Great premise and it sounds exciting and fun. I think you can tighten the pitch some, though. In the first paragraph, “Or ending up minus her insulin (is it a bottle??) surrounded by darkness….” And in the second paragraph, “But thanks to Claire’s carelessness, what she gets is a lesson…” Good luck with it!

  2. Robyn Campbell says:

    Hey, Sus. Something tells me you didn’t get my bio? Hmm. And Oreo cake for breakfast? BUT OF COURSE. I think going to see different art than we make is so beneficial for us. I wish I could have gone with you.

    Thanks, Genevieve. I see what you’re saying. The insulin has always had me feeling like it was tacked on. Much appreciated.

  3. ptnozell says:

    Robyn, I would read this; it sounds exciting and I think it has great kid appeal. I’d suggest a change in the second paragraph, though, to make it sound less like Anna’s blaming Claire and not taking responsibility for her own needs. Who is Claire, by the way? Friend? Sibling? Aunt? You might want to add a quick descriptor. I look forward to reading your revised pitch!

  4. Judy Sobanski says:

    Robyn, I would definitely read this! There is lots of suspense and excitement that comes through in your pitch. I agree with the last comment, I would like to know who Claire is. If she’s a friend, that would tell me she’s likely around the same age. Would it give too much away to know a little more about what Claire’s carelessness was? Did she cause the horses to run off ? a compass was lost or broken? Maybe a little more information would help clarify that point. Good Luck – sounds like a real page-turner!

  5. Susan Schade says:

    Yes, I would read this. The story idea grabbed me right away. I wasn’t sure if Claire is a friend or relative or why it was important to know that she was the one to blame. I think you could finish your pitch stronger though. Avoid using the question at the end. I would state the things that Anna needs to do (or a teaser of what she tries) to accomplish her goal. Good luck!

  6. Sherry Howard says:

    This sounds like a great story, and one that is realistic. As stated already, I think a few tweaks will tighten it up. A few things could be more specific, and a few things could be streamlined. Then it would be ready to roll. But, you’ve communicated the crux of the story and piqued my interest, exactly your goal! The voice is good in this, but do be careful about vaguely blaming Claire unless that’s your intent.

  7. tphumiruk says:

    Yes! Great story idea and intriguing pitch. Good luck, Robyn! Susan, I put Jim Gaffigan in the hysterical category, too. I enjoyed your thoughts on watching other creatives and how we are all similar. Thank you!

  8. ingridboydston says:

    I too would read this book. I liked the way the insulin was “tacked on”, it heightened the stakes for me. But I agree with clarification about Claire being needed. Congrats!

  9. Keila Dawson says:

    Jim Gaffigan!!!! That guy is seriously funny. Lucky you to see him in person.

    Yes I would read it Robyn! Sounds thrilling! I immediately connect to the character and am rooting she makes it.

    My .02 cents:
    About the insulin. Since it has to be refrigerated, do they loose a cooler? Guess I’d just say insulin?

    “But what she gets (what she’ll get?) is a lesson in survival if she can outlast the wild animals and high blood sugars.” Seems you are already telling us the end.”

    Good luck!

  10. Pj McIlvaine says:

    Robyn, the pitch is good but needs tightening and a bit more pizazz. I too wondered who Claire was—I’m thinking her BFF. I would like to see a couple more obstacles thrown in. What about a bad storm? And if you really waned to add more tension, how about some bank robbers loose in the mountain out to retrieve their ill gotten goods….but without knowing more, this is my stab.

    “Thirteen-year-old Anna, a diabetic, doesn’t plan on getting lost in the Blue Ridge Mountains without her insulin bottle. But that’s exactly what happens, thanks to the carelessness of Claire, her BFF.

    What was supposed to be an idyllic day of fun and horseback riding becomes a grueling test of survival. If the wild animals doesn’t get them first, Anna’s skyrocketing blood sugar will. How can Anna get them all safely back home when she has no clue which way to go?”

    Good luck! My vote is YES!

  11. Ashley Franklin says:

    Robyn, I would read this. I do have to say that I think you could reduce the overall wordiness of it, especially if you want to add some more “meat” to it. For example, the first line could be shortened to something like this:

    Thirteen-year-old Anna doesn’t plan on getting lost in the darkness of the Blue Ridge Mountains minus her insulin bottle. But that’s what happens.

    ❤ Ashley

  12. ThisKidReviewsBooks says:

    Jim Gaffigan is hilarious! I’m jealous you got to see/hear him! 🙂

    I would read the book, and I also agree with what the others are saying. The book sounds like it would be a good read, I just think the pitch needs more details. 🙂

  13. Theresa Milstein says:

    I definitely feel the tension in this pitch, and it interests me. I’d say yes. Can some of the wording be tweaked? Sure, a little. I see some great ideas to do that above. I’ll throw in a suggestion, but I know I’m probably not getting the voice of your character you know so well.

    The Pitch: Thirteen-year-old Anna and her friend Claire take a horseback ride to picnic in the mountains. Anna’s so confident nothing can go wrong that she doesn’t take her insulin bottle. The friends wind up surrounded by darkness and in grave danger.

    Anna gets is a lesson in survival if she can outlast the wild animals and high blood sugars. And Claire isn’t helping. Anna needs to figure them back home.

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