It’s Would You Read It Wednesday!
And it’s the day before The Halloweensie Writing Contest opens!
And it’s only 3 days til Halloween!
Clearly the only way we’re going to be able to concentrate and get anything done is to have Something Chocolate!
(You know, there is always a way to make eating chocolate a rational and wise choice! 😊)
Since it’s Halloweensie and Halloween week, today’s Something Chocolate will be White Chocolate Mummy Truffles!!!
White Chocolate Mummy Truffles
Okay. I know a lot of us feel that white chocolate isn’t real chocolate, only dark and milk chocolate’s poor cousin. But it is technically chocolate, and these mummies are so cute for a Halloween snack that I figured we could excuse white chocolate for being a bit of a wannabe today 😊
Now then, onto today’s pitch which comes to us from Nicole. A school social worker by day and a mama by every other waking moment, Nicole can usually be found laughing with her husband and two toddlers, drinking room temperature coffee, and cramming writing into every spare second.
Website: nicoleloosmiller.com
Here is her pitch:
Working Title: Dear Duchess
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch: When her octopus stuffie moves to the ocean to pursue a lifelong dream of becoming a mermaid, a young girl is forced to move out of her comfort zone and an octopus learns what is truly important.
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Nicole improve her pitch. Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. (However I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on Would You Read it in the dropdown under For Writers in the bar above. There are openings in January, so you have time to polish your pitch before putting it up for helpful feedback and a chance to have it read and commented on by editor Erin Molta!
Nicole is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch! I am looking forward to
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! 😊
And can’t wait to see you TOMORROW for Halloweensie!!! 😊☢️
Susanna Leonard Hill 
You do a great job of conveying the message in your pitch:)
And, who doesn’t like mermaids!
Just a little confused on how an octopus can become a mermaid? Unless, this is obvious in the text. And, maybe replace ‘her’ with the MC’s name?
What a lovely premise for a sweet story.
Thank you so much for the feedback!
Unique and engaging premise. Great flow to the pitch. I’d like a bit more detail. Is the loss of the stuffie the only catalyst for the girl’s change? The final phrase is a bit vague. Is the octopus’s realization linked more/only to the MC’s situation or the ocean experience? How does the title link to the story? My questions suggest detail options; I wouldn’t try to answer all of them in the pitch. Related: Have you seen ‘My Octopus Teacher?’ – inspiring touchpoints/themes, perhaps
Thanks you, Katie. I struggle with how much to put into a pitch so I appreciate your feedback. I have learned so much about octopi since I started writing this – they are AMAZING! I’ll have to check out that show. Thanks for the tip 🙂
Susanna, those treats are perfect for a Halloweensie filled with creepy, masked skeletons!
Nicole, I love the premise of your story. A few things to consider as you revise your pitch: I’m confused as to whether the unnamed girl or the octopus is the main character, especially as both change during the course of the story. If it’s a parallel story, with 2 MCs, I’d make that clearer. I also think readers will connect more to the girl if you name her. And as Katie pointed out, it’s unclear how the title relates to the story.
I hope these suggestions help as you revise this pitch for this sweet story.
I can see how this pitch leaves a lot of questions to be answered and will work on that. Thank you so much for your feedback.
I love the premise of this story! Octopus, mermaid, young girl. Sounds adorable. I am a bit confused about the transition of how the octopus becomes a mermaid, unless this is imaginative play (which I love). I’m sure illustrations would help me. I also wondered why the octopus would learn something while the MC only moves out of her comfort zone. I think just a tiny bit of tweaking would help me understand more while keeping the mystery intact. YES, I would read this! Best wishes, Nicole!
Thank you so much for your encouragement and suggestions, Angie! I really appreciate it!
I would read this for sure. I think you need to stress the connection between the girl and the octopus before it learns its lesson. Also – is the girl afraid of water? You may want to throw that in there as well. I agree with the comments about naming her and maybe naming the octopus, too. I’m thinking one of them is named Duchess. Good luck with this. It sound like a fun story!
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your feedback, Genevieve! I will definitely go back and work on those things!
The mermaid connection pulled me right in, so Yes, I would read this story. But I think your pitch can be strengthened by adding a few more details. Why does the MC (whom I’m assuming is the girl) need to move out of her comfort zone? How does she go about convincing the octopus to return? I’m also curious about which character is Duchess and if this story is written in letter format as the title might suggest. I think giving more of a hint of the story voice will help. Good luck!
Thank you so much, Rose! It is written in letter format – I’m glad you picked up on that hint but I definitely see that I need to make that more clear 🙂 Along with a few other things… Thank you so much!
Yes, I’d read it! You had me at “octopus stuffie” and “lifelong dream to become a mermaid.” I may be a bit biased, but I’m a fan, Nicole.
Those chocolate mummies are adorable, Susanna!
Thank you so much for sharing my pitch, Susanna, (and this frightfully delicious recipe) and thank you for the comments and feedback everyone!
So excited to read all the Halloweensie stories tomorrow!
Absolutely yes, I would read it. It is so difficult to determine the length of the pitch.,,too long, too short yikes!. Just a few tweaks here and there for clarity as noted in the comments above! 🙂
Thank you so much for reading and leaving feedback! 🙂 It is so hard to determine a good pitch length!
Yes, I would read this; the concept of an octopus with a dream is intriguing; I shared others’ confusion regarding who is the MC, or if both are MCs; also the term “stuffie” is not one I’ve heard before and it reminds me on a less pleasant term so I would tend to avoid it; good luck with this fun book!
Thank you so much for reading and leaving feedback! I’ll definitely think about the term “stuffie” and potentially replacing it with “lovey.”
Of course I’d read it! I love your work, Nicole 🙂 I think the pitch hints at being in letter format (based on the title), but I’d try to incorporate that or mention that in the pitch part, too. Way to go! Congrats on being featured on Susanna’s blog! 🙂
Aw, thanks, Maryna!
So much good feedback here. Intriguing, mermaids, and a sweet octopus—I WOULD read it for sure! Congrats on this feature, Nicole, and good luck!
Thanks, Dedra!